Coming up to one year anniversary of my cancer op and I am not coping well.

I had a total hysterectomy almost a year ago for uterine cancer.
I haven't had any treatment since - just some follow up appointments to check how I am doing with scans and examinations. So far so good.
It hasn't been plain sailing but I have seen a steady improvement in my general health despite being plunged into surgical menopause without hrt.

I had some issues with bladder bruising and bowel problems - again nothing very serious - less of a problem than I had prior to the operation.
But I had a bout of constipation just before doing my bowel cancer kit test and so I have a colonoscopy to attend at the beginning of October.  I wasn't very worried because I sort of assumed that it was probably because of the constipation causing some bleeding that got picked up.

But recently I had some bright red blood after another bout of constipation and that has freaked me out.

I can't seem to shake the hypervigilance around my health and every tiny little symptom terrifies me.  I am also worrying about my husband.  He has always been the person in our relationship who has had health problems and I have been his carer for over thirty years. I used to be the person who checked my own symptoms 'just to be on the safe side' and up until the cancer diagnosis this time I have always had tests and everything has come up 'nothing to worry about.'

My life view has been rocked.  I used to think I was quite realistic about stuff but now I feel there is no solid ground under my feet and I cannot plan ahead any more.

I am scared that this colonoscopy will be an action replay of what happened last year with my endometrial cancer diagnosis.  I am also worried about my husband having cancer.  I am hyper aware of life being finite and it isn't making me 'seize the day' it is making me all 'rabbits in the headlamps' and I think I might be depressed in a low key way.

I am angry with myself for not being grateful and making the most of my situation because I know people who have had a tougher time than me and I feel like I am failing by not just drawing a line under things and moving forwards.

I am autistic and I don't like physically interacting with groups in 'real life' I have a good online circle of friends and one best friend as well as my husband.  But I feel like I am losing my grip.

I think some of this is menopause and some of it trauma and I just don't know how to do the best I can to take care of myself and my family.  I am 62.

I have started getting my own low carb food delivered from a reputable food prep company - I have type 2 diabetes and have been controlling my blood sugars for five years successfully by a very low carb way of eating and my GP diabetes lead is very pleased with how I have done this but I just don't have the energy to cook for myself any more - my concentration is gone.

I have my PIP reassessment due to send it - it is already on an extension - and I have a 90+ mum who has had to go into care with dementia and I am working to clear her house (50+ years of hoarding!!!) so it can be sold to pay her care home fees.  All that has a big impact on my emotional state too.

Sorry this is a big info dump. No idea if there is anything anyone can suggest. I do breathing exercises and meditation and boxercise and exercise cycling and dancercise on VR 3-4 times a week for 20 - 60 minutes at a time and I have propranolol for anxiety .

I work as a PA/Support Worker to help my husband in his legal services company.