Coming up to one year anniversary of my cancer op and I am not coping well.

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I had a total hysterectomy almost a year ago for uterine cancer.
I haven't had any treatment since - just some follow up appointments to check how I am doing with scans and examinations. So far so good.
It hasn't been plain sailing but I have seen a steady improvement in my general health despite being plunged into surgical menopause without hrt.

I had some issues with bladder bruising and bowel problems - again nothing very serious - less of a problem than I had prior to the operation.
But I had a bout of constipation just before doing my bowel cancer kit test and so I have a colonoscopy to attend at the beginning of October.  I wasn't very worried because I sort of assumed that it was probably because of the constipation causing some bleeding that got picked up.

But recently I had some bright red blood after another bout of constipation and that has freaked me out.

I can't seem to shake the hypervigilance around my health and every tiny little symptom terrifies me.  I am also worrying about my husband.  He has always been the person in our relationship who has had health problems and I have been his carer for over thirty years. I used to be the person who checked my own symptoms 'just to be on the safe side' and up until the cancer diagnosis this time I have always had tests and everything has come up 'nothing to worry about.'

My life view has been rocked.  I used to think I was quite realistic about stuff but now I feel there is no solid ground under my feet and I cannot plan ahead any more.

I am scared that this colonoscopy will be an action replay of what happened last year with my endometrial cancer diagnosis.  I am also worried about my husband having cancer.  I am hyper aware of life being finite and it isn't making me 'seize the day' it is making me all 'rabbits in the headlamps' and I think I might be depressed in a low key way.

I am angry with myself for not being grateful and making the most of my situation because I know people who have had a tougher time than me and I feel like I am failing by not just drawing a line under things and moving forwards.

I am autistic and I don't like physically interacting with groups in 'real life' I have a good online circle of friends and one best friend as well as my husband.  But I feel like I am losing my grip.

I think some of this is menopause and some of it trauma and I just don't know how to do the best I can to take care of myself and my family.  I am 62.

I have started getting my own low carb food delivered from a reputable food prep company - I have type 2 diabetes and have been controlling my blood sugars for five years successfully by a very low carb way of eating and my GP diabetes lead is very pleased with how I have done this but I just don't have the energy to cook for myself any more - my concentration is gone.

I have my PIP reassessment due to send it - it is already on an extension - and I have a 90+ mum who has had to go into care with dementia and I am working to clear her house (50+ years of hoarding!!!) so it can be sold to pay her care home fees.  All that has a big impact on my emotional state too.

Sorry this is a big info dump. No idea if there is anything anyone can suggest. I do breathing exercises and meditation and boxercise and exercise cycling and dancercise on VR 3-4 times a week for 20 - 60 minutes at a time and I have propranolol for anxiety .

I work as a PA/Support Worker to help my husband in his legal services company.

  • Hi  

    It's natural to be worried about your upcoming investigations considering what you've already been through.

    I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you copy and paste your message into a new post in the womb cancer forum as I'm sure the forum members there will relate to lots of the things you've said.

    Wishing you all the best

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     "Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

  • You are amazing !! with an enormous amount of things on your plate that you are  juggling, be good to yourself, its almost super human  to be dealing with all those things , that a well person with  no issues would  surely be finding it hard to deal with.

    I am in the same category, panic  at the  slightest symptom, avoid crowds and germs, and cant quite feel relaxed. It is conquering the emotional that I am also finding hard. I am normally fairly chilled ( I am 79 and dont have anything to worry about  except me) compared to your caring for others and finding the energy to  do that. I am however horrified by  my unexpected mood swings, which are an alien factor  for me. I take rescue remedy drops  for anxiety and sleep a lot. You seem to be doing everything in your power to stay fit and  healthy and do the right thing.

    Wouldnt we all like to wave a magic  wand and make all this go away, not just for ourselves, but for  others too. All the people  that  have  dealt with me have been truly amazing, and i'm yet to find out how successful my treatment has been. I am sorry I cant say anything practical to you, you deserve a  big hug ( my families cure all ) except in this case it doesnt quite. I had a hysterectomy  last December which found cancer, and have  since  been treated with chemo  and just finished  with radiotherapy for endometrial cancer. I guess a lot of our symptoms, bowel, bladder etc are similar and never make  you feel quite 'safe' or in control.

    Wishing you all the best, dont be afraid to ask people for help, you sound like you would be first in the Q to reach out to help others, and now its your turn. Posting on here is a good step, and i'm sure when you read it  back you will see just how  much you are  coping with, and where maybe someone could step in and support you a bit. I had the packing up a house for my mother too, and because it stirs memories and is hard to part with things and very overwhelming and emotional as well as your  mothers health, which i'm sorry to hear about.

    I hope all goes well.................not sure what else I can add, you touched me,  and you deserve some love and support.

  • Thank you.  When I get a moment I will do that.

  • Thank you so much for your lovely supportive reply. I am a little bit teary now but in a good way <3