Early this month, my mom died after being at war with stage 4 lymphoma cancer. It's been hard to see a beloved mom, someone who is tactful, brilliant, and is also a well-intentioned person transform into someone who couldn't speak or move over these past months. It felt as if I lost my mom weeks ago prior to her death. I knew it was coming as soon as she had delirium and loss of appetite, but my small sparkling hope kept me going. I started neglecting everything that is related to family and home, and started studying everyday to distract myself from those destructive thoughts. After my mom died, my brain shielded myself from replaying the memories I had with my mom (like a trauma response), and I thought I already entered the stage of acceptence, until today, where I dreamt of my mom, and bawled my eyes out afterwards. To make that emotion more intensified, my dad sent a picture of my mom in her wheelchair when she was treated to Penang, Malaysia and was smiling at her phone. I cried and I was shaking so hard, and I couldn't even out my words out. It's heartbreaking to see someone who once had a optimistic view on life, being drained by the cancer consuming her from the inside. It's heartbreaking to hear her cries every night to God and her diligence to pray every morning to have the opportunity to raise her children until they become successful adults, only for her spirit to be broken entirely by cancer. I can't really say much of what I'm feeling because what I feel is a deep and profound emotion, that I know some of you can relate to, but it makes me devastated. These days I've been just sitting and staring blankly, not being to get any work done, not able to be focused, and just feel lethargic. Cancer sucks.
Hi LC 24 and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is a supportive place to be.
I'm so very sorry to read that you've recently lost your mum and it's natural to go through a whole range of emotions.
I thought I'd suggest that you might like to join and post in the bereaved family and friends forum as you'll then connect directly with others who have lost a loved one to cancer.
To join, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
Sending virtual (((hugs)))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
Hi LC24
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Mum. No words can take that pain away from you but you can be sure that you Mum knows how much you loved and still love her. Try to remember her before she was ill, keep all the good and lovely memories of her safe in your heart. Time, as they say, is a healer but it will take a long time. I lost my Dad 24 years ago, my Mum 22 years ago and my Brother 14 years ago. I can think of them all fondly now without crying but it's taken time and sometimes you just have to let it out.
All my love and sympathy to you, Ade 
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