Advice welcome - worst year of my life

Hi MrsQdn38416 and welcome to the Macmillan Community but so sorry to hear about your mothers diagnosis and indeed about your dad….. first a ((hug))

I am sure that you are going to find this community a supportive place.

A cancer diagnosis like this in the family can be such a challenging and stressful time but getting support from others who are dealing with the ‘exact same' support challenges can help you a lot. I have been on my incurable cancer journey for over 25 years so Zi am sitting on the other side of the fence…… so let’s look to connect you with others in the same position.

The Community is actually divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your mother and indeed yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our dedicated……

     Carers only 

     Supporting someone with incurable cancer

……. support groups where you will connect with a wide range of community members navigating the exact same support challenges.

To connect with a group click on the “Bold Italic Links” I have created above …… then once the group page opens click in the [ Black - Click to Join - Banner ] that appears at the bottom of the page and this will then confirm that you have joined the group.

When you are ready……. you can introduce yourself by putting up your very own post by clicking [ + Create new post] or [ + ] in the top right of the group page.

You can copy and paste the text from this post into your new post.

It is an emotional time supporting family so you might find this Macmillan information your feelings when someone has cancer helpful as well as this link getting help with your emotions.

You may find it helpful to call the Macmillan Support Line open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00. This service provides cancer information, practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear.

Talking to people face to face can be very helpful so do check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and support all the family.

Please do get back to me if you need further help navigating the community ((hugs))

Thank you ever so much. This is wonderful!

Glad you found the information helpful…… there is lots of support available at the end of your finger tips

Hi, 

I am 

Hi MrsQdn38416

I am new to this forum too and yours is the first message I have replied.  I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and to hear of the loss of your Dad and your Mum's diagnosis.    

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and Bowel Cancer a few months ago.  At the time she lived in her own home with my brother-in-law.  After diagnosis and the very many hospital appointments attended, it was apparent she was struggling to care for herself at home.  My husband and I re-arranged our home for her to live with us.  We have two teenage children and it felt like the better option for her to move in with us, rather than me toing and froing to her house. 

The task of caring for my mother-in-law has very quickly become much harder than I had imaged.  Like you, I am not a carer, I had an office job!   She isn't eating, she is getting very weak.  Within days of living with us, she needs help dressing in the morning, moving from bedroom to lounge etc.  She is barely eating anything, I have offered to cook absolutely anything she would like but she says she isn't hungry.  I feel so responsible for her losing so much weight and getting weak.  I have tried to persuade her to have food but sometimes she is a bit short tempered and says "I told you I didn't want anything".  I voiced my concern to the nurse, he advised that I should be led by her, that its completely normal for her to not want to eat.  He said only provide her with what she asks for, offer drinks and food but don't try to force anything.  I am now just trying to be positive, suggest different food occasionally, offer a taste of what I have cooked for my husband or the children.  She'll taste something if my daughter has made it, I think she doesn't want to offend her!

Have you had visits and support from occupational therapy and local care?  How old are you and your Mum?  The OTs provided us with equipment to help at home.  With the aid of a wheelchair we go out, she doesn't have the energy to stay out too long and she usually struggles the next day but trying new places to have a cup of tea once a week makes a change from staying at home all day, every day.

My mother-in-law has had a long and happy life, she knows the end isn't far away.  We sit every morning over a cup of tea (after I've offered breakfast!), she tells me stories about growing up with her sisters, her first boyfriend (the love of her life), her job at Woolworths.  Marrying my husband's father, her dreaded mother-in-law!!  We talk about the holidays we've been on together etc.   

I too feel like my life has gone on hold, I really struggled at first when the enormity of what I had taken on became apparent.  My boss has been great and lets me work from home, my friends pop in to visit me occasionally and I manage to get out for short trips when my kids need a lift somewhere!  But, most of the time I am at home, with my mother-in-law.  My husband is struggling with the change, he doesn't help with any of the caring side of things, his life is pretty much carrying on as normal!  However, he sometimes gets frustrated that our lives are on hold, no holidays, no weekends away or nights out as a couple.  I have a baby monitor in our bedroom so I can hear her at night as I am worried about her having a fall.  We don't know when things will get worse or how long, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months.

I have down days and feel sorry for myself sometimes but I know there are people far worse off that us, I give myself a kick up the bum and think positively.

We make the most of the time we have left.  At first I spent a lot of time googling what it was going to be like as she deteriorates further, I felt like I needed to know what to expect. 

You should speak to the nurses about your emetophobia, my daughter has severe phobia of sick.  She was really panicked when she knew my mother-in-law my start to be sick.  I spoke to the nurse about this.  He said, when/if she gets to this stage of the illness it is likely to be very near the end and if my daughter cannot cope with my mother-in-law being at home, they will take her to a hospice to care for her there.  

Please feel free to message me back, I know I have waffled on and maybe not provided you with anything useful.  Please feel free to reply with any questions you think I might be able to help with or you just want to vent your frustrations about the situation.  It is so unfair, such a horrible position to be in, you will never want to lose your Mum.  I hope your Mum has had a long and happy life so far, keep hold of that thought.  Reach out to the nurses and care givers in your area that can help, you are not alone.

All the best to you and your Mum.

Hi MuminLaw and a warm welcome to the community.

The Community is divided into dedicated Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and as I highlighted n my early reply to MrsQdn38416 when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting your mother in law and yourself you may benefit from joining and posting in our dedicated……

Carers only 

 Supporting someone with incurable cancer

……. support groups. These groups will connect you with a wide range of community members navigating the exact same support challenges.

You have not waffled on and have absolutely provided me with useful information. I'd love for us to message, because it's such a huge soul comfort to talk to someone in the same situation feeling the same feelings. Thank you so much xoxo