caring for my Husband but so difficult and so negative

That point you wrote --- "operation pushed ... back further" causes me to first ask how much delay has there already been since the decision was made to do the operation? That may seem an odd start to a response, but getting a better picture helps when offering advice such as being requested here.

Well, you are actually asking if anyone has been through such like you outline, but allow me to expand to some advice as well, please.

But, to answer your question, I have experienced some oddities from the direction of my significant other due to what I think might be my medical troubles, but maybe we can hold up a bit on that part of the discussion until I see you wish to further communicate in this thread. Please.

By the way, about the timing of the operation, to go back to that, was there any hesitation about the decision to operate? As in, we'll operate, then a reversal and no operation, then back to 'we better operate'? I ask that because I have had some experiences like that, but that isn't really the fault of those changing their minds, due to my situation being very strange. Plus I had the most amazing response during my last in-patient stay when a doc answered to the deciding factor in this latest situation by stating the deciding factor was when I couldn't handle the pain any longer. That caught me way off-guard. But it does make sense, given the weirdness of my situation.

So in the case of your husband, was there any sort of indecision involved regarding the upcoming operation? 

Hi tinkerbell2484 so sorry to hear about the challenges you are having.

The Community is actually divided into Support Groups (Discussion Rooms) and when it comes to the practical and emotional challenges of supporting family and friends you may benefit from joining and posting in our dedicated Carers only support group where you will connect with others navigating the exact same support challenges.

HI Tinkerbell2484,

This is such a difficult time for both of you.

My diagnosis and treatment happened during Covid so there was an added layer of uncertainty, not unlike your husband's situation with the junior doctors' strikes. It's hard enough wating for surgery, but when you cannot be sure that it's even going to happen when it's supposed to, it makes it that much harder.

I frequently felt throughout my treatment that my partner was going through his own version of the experience that was, in its own way, as difficult as mine. He had to see me going through it all and had to cope with the myriad of emotions I was experiencing - fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness....as well as dealing with his own feelings. Added to that, there was nothing he could really do. He was powerless to make the situation any better for me. All he could do was be alongside me and that actually mattered to me more than words can express. I was going to have life and body-changing surgery and I was absolutely terrified. Having it delayed due to Covid just made it worse as it was prolonging the inevitable, plus I worried that the cancer would progress or metastasise while I waited. My partner was able to just be with me, listen and allow me to feel as I did. I can't tell you what a difference that made, and to this day, I don't think he realises how important that was. He never tried to cheer me up or offer false reassurances or try to tell me what I should or shouldn't do and I was very grateful for that. 

In a state of fear and anxiety we don't always behave rationally, because our emotions are dominant. You probably have your own fear and anxieties too, but as you are not the patient, these might be overlooked. But both your and your husband's feelings are valid and very understandable given the circumstances. You are in this together, albeit on parallel journeys.

Once the surgery is over you will hopefully know what you are dealing with and the path ahead might be clearer for you both. I think all you can do in the meantime is be compassionate towards yourself as much as your husband. This could be the toughest part of the journey for both of you as it is riddled with uncertainty about all kinds of things (it certainly was for me and my partner). 

I wonder if you can just let your husband know that you get that he is feeling scared....and maybe that you are too? I also wonder if you have someone in whom you can confide and share your own feelings? I'm glad you chose to use this forum, knowing that someone in the community would get what you're dealing with. I've spoken about things from a patient's perspective, but on the Carer's forum, as Highlander has suggested, you will likely find people who understand totally from a carer's point of view. Either way, just keep sharing!

I wish you and your husband all the best for a successful operation and future together.

Osboz.

Coming from a cancer patient myself and my father in law who reacted the same way when he was being treated for leukemia.  The anger is not directed at you.  He's angry bc he wants to do activities He's used to doing but he's too tired to do it which makes him frustrated.  And they're overall miserable.  Honestly, the worst thing to do is ask him how he's doing or how he feels because that's all he gets is sympathy when he just wants to go back to normal.  So instead, do 20 questions that have nothing to do with cancer,  play a board game, go for a walk...be annoyingly pushy and I promise he'll eventually break down and relax.  On the other end,  it is perfectly healthy for you to take a break for yourself.  Go get a pedicure, go to Starbucks.  If you're mentally drained you won't be any help to him and you will only continue to feel worse. 

Although it feels bad but I noticed the majority of husbands show similar kinds of behaviour in such conditions. But I don't know why it is only for wives. Actually, my uncle was showing a similar kind of annoying behaviour for his wife when he was diagnosed with lymphoma but his equation was good with his daughters. Better to consult with his doctor and consider psychological health on his suggestion.