I really don’t know what to do,

2 replies
15 subscribers
729 views

My boyfriend has recently started his treatment for prostate cancer.
He understandably is going through a very tough time. I thought he would want me there to help and support him through but he doesn’t. He has said that he doesn’t want anyone with him, no one, that we are no longer together in a relationship and that I am free to go and live my life. The thing is I don’t want to be with anyone else, At the age of 50 I finally found my one true love, my soulmate. We really are perfect for one another, something we both agreed on. But now we are not together and he just wants to be left alone. I know and I understand that I have to respect his wishes but I hate it. I lie awake at night worrying about him. Wondering what is happening, how is he feeling? Is he able to make food for himself even if it might be a dry bit of toast because he is feeling nauseous. Does he have the energy to make a cup of tea? I so want to be there for him not to fuss but to help with the practicalities and to provide love and support, but he doesn’t want it, nor to see me. I have never felt so helpless. I find myself crying randomly, I can’t sleep I have a constant nervous feeling in my stomach and I feel so selfish in Dayi g that because this isn’t about me, it’s about the man I love so much and his journey. Does anyone understand when I say it feels as though he has died. I feel terrible for saying that because so many people have sadly lost loved ones including my boyfriend and the love of my life is very much alive. He won’t see me, barely wants to speak to me, so it’s impossible to know how he is even doing. We agreed to see one another from time to time but he doesn’t wish to do that now. I am so tempted to just jump on my car and go and see him, but he has asked for space. He has so much to deal with and to come to terms with and I have to respect his wishes but this situation is breaking my heart. I know he loves me, he has said he found the one he was looking for, that after his treatment of six months if things go ok we can possibly get back together again. It just hurts, beyond anything I’ve ever known. I feel sad and angry that cancer has taken away the man I love so much. Will he ever come back? That I just don’t know and each day is getting harder and harder to get through. I can’t talk to him about how I feel as he has said I am making it about me when this is about him, which is perfectly true. All I need is a little bit of contact every now and then to get through the next six months but I don’t want to add to his stresses and worries it’s not fair on him. I feel so shut out, sad, lost and alone, fearful for the future, selfish for thinking of myself. What can I do to feel less useless? To help other than give him what he is asking for. It goes against my nature and everything I am used to doing. It is driving me crazy to the point of I’m now having to take sleeping tablets and it’s affecting my ability to work in the way I would normally.as I am so tearful. I just wish I could go through his journey for him, take it all away and make things better, but I can’t and that really really hurts. I long to hold him, give him a kiss and tell him things will be ok again. All the things we have shared are on a loop going around and around in my mind. The last conversation was two weeks ago and the memory of his voice is fading, am I going mad? I don’t mean to be selfish I really don’t. I always fight for what I believe in but the more I do the more I feel I am losing him. Is it normal to feel this way or is there something wrong with me? I am so sorry to moan here when others have so much worse to be dealing with. I wish you all strength and love in getting through whatever you may be facing in your lives xx

latchbrook over 2 years ago

Hi Misschickadee and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.

I'm sorry to read that your boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer and that he has broken up with you. It sounds like an incredibly tough time for you both.

As you know, the online community is divided up into different support groups so I'm going to recommend that you also join and post in the friends and family group where you might be able to connect with others in a similar situation.

To join just click on the link I've created which will take you directly there. You can then join and start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.

It would be great if you could pop something about your boyfriend's diagnosis and treatment so far into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

po18guy over 2 years ago

I am very sorry to hear this. It seems that "cancer" is a word more dreaded even than death. The diagnosis is shattering and can lead one to make improper or even immature choices about care and even about life. Sad to say that some cancer patients turn radically inward and isolate themselves, believing that they are under some cosmic death sentence. While understandable, this is far from the optimum response. It is good neither for him nor for you. As you well know and have well expressed, it is devastating to loved ones. He is not thinking outside of himself and, feeling powerless, may have fallen into depression.

At this point, little can be done save for giving him his time to realize that his direction is off the path. The person you CAN take care of is yourself. And that is where I would advise you to begin. His sense of powerlessness has spread to you - so two are now suffering! Yet, you can see clearly and can reach our for help. Family, friends, doctor, counselor, pastor, priest or whomever. And, actually, the sooner the better.

I am the patient and without my wife of 28 years (at that time) I would simply not be here. She knew what was needed, she made the calls, arranged things and raised objections when brick walls were placed in our path. I had at least some sense about me to allow her to manage my case whilst I focused much more on surviving and healing.

I have no idea if you are allowed to provide input to his care team. If that is possible, even by letter, i/ am certain that both his team and he will benefit. Indeed, he may not be entirely candid with them, to his and your detriment.

I tell no one what to believe. Rather, at times, I advise of what I believe and why. I could not have made my 14 year journey without faith in something which never changes and which never fails. I pray and many have prayed for me. At the end, I/ had a 0% chance of survival and yet I soundly beat that. We all need some world view which provides the positives needed for life and its difficulties. You might consider searching for one which works well. And it if fails, consider why and seek another.

Strictly for what it is worth, I am offering my prayers, however weak they are, on behalf of the two of you. And, may true peace of heart be yours.

______________________________________________________________________

One cancer (PTCL-NOS) 3 times. Two other cancers: Angioimmunoblastic T-Cell Lymphoma 2 times, and 20q deletion MyeloDysplastic Syndrome) were chemo refractory. All three cancers simultaneously in 2015. Stage IV twice + MDS @ 23% of marrow. 12/22 diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Thus far, 14+ years, 20 drugs, 4 clinical trials, Total Body Irradiation, 1,000+ years of background radiation from scans. 7th remission so far. Haploidentical stem cell transplant, acute > chronic Graft-versus-Host-disease. Currently receiving my 7th GvHD regimen.

More from this forum

I really don’t know what to do,