Hello!
I don't usually come on to this part of the forum but I am looking for some advice on how I can support my husband Jay emotionally. I feel that I am not a great support to him, and I don't know what to do. His bowel cancer came back in May this year after having an operation to remove the tumour back in January this year. At his follow up appointment blood tests were done and we got a letter saying his CEA markers had risen and they wanted him to go for another CT scan which unfortunately confirmed the cancer had returned. He is now on cycles of chemotherapy once during his cycle he goes for Oxaliplatin infusion at day clinic at our local hospital and then 14 days on Capecitabine tablets 10 daily 5 in the morning and 5 at night, Physically he is ok, but mentally it is all consuming for him and he said that it is all he can think of at the moment. I try to get him to do things to take his mind off it but things I mention he doesn't seem interested in. Before his cancer diagnosis he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, and we began working on managing that with going to the gym about 3 times a week and playing badminton and developing healthy eating habits. Then Covid happened and everywhere and everything closed down we continued with the exercises for a while at home online but it all fell by the wayside a bit. At the end of 2020 his bowel cancer symptoms began to surface but then he didn't know it was cancer as he was going to the toilet a lot more than normal. A colonoscopy in May 2021 showed up `abnormalities` and he got his official diagnosis of bowel cancer on the 1st of July 2021 and the surgeon had actually said the tumour had been sitting there for about 3 or 4 years without any symptoms. So, as I he went through the operation and had a bowel resection prior to the tumour operation and now has a permanent stoma. The thing is I worry about Jay that he is not doing enough to help himself. I suggest going out for walks on good days, but he's not interested he won't even walk our dog and we used to take that in turns he's more or less gone from being moderately active to nothing. He will make meals at home etc but just won't suggest going out anywhere unless it means going in the car. He used to not even go into the supermarket with me but that is getting better, and he does actually come in with me now sometimes to do the weekly big shop. Even around the house he doesn't seem to want to do anything if it means making a simple cup of tea, he asks me to do it. I sometimes really resent him sometimes if I know it is something he can do himself and won't and keeps asking me to do it. If I make a joke of something he used to think funny, he doesn't seem to now. He will jump down my throat as well at the slightest thing. I might suggest something and if he doesn't like it he jumps down my throat. Then other times he says he couldn't do without me and wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't here so he can be a bit `Jekyll n Hyde` just now and sometimes I find myself walking on eggshells wondering what to do. Just wondering if anyone could give any advice. Thanks.
Vicky.
Hi Vicky
It must be very difficult at times trying to support a partner dealing with cancer so I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you also join and post this in the carers only group as that will allow you to directly connect with others who are supporting a loved one.
If you'd like to do this clicking on the link I've created will take you straight there where you can join and post in the same way as you did here. You can also join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
When you feel up to it, it would be great if you could pop something about your husband's diagnosis and treatment so far into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
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"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
