Low Mood

Hi Vicky

I hope you don’t mind me replying, since I am the cancer patient, but I did speak to my partner for their point of view as a carer. The whole cancer thing is very difficult for the carer, and I understand that. They found it incredibly difficult to deal with, as they had no control, so yes at times they did find it difficult to get up in a morning, but they always did get up, go to work, got on with the day. They never once let me see that they were anything other than very strong and practical. 

I’ve had recurrent cancer-back within 9 months of my treatment ending, and 6 months after a “no evidence of disease” result. So yes, it happens, but it’s how you deal with it. I was told I could have surgery. Much the same way as your husband has been told he can have further treatment. This is a gift-believe me, as not everyone has the chance of this.

Your husband is calm, please follow his lead. There is more treatment, he will have this, so please try to think positively about the effect this could have. He does need you, and as the patient, we need our partner to help us along, buoy us up, keep us going. It doesn’t help us to have our partner crumble, no matter how hard it is because this is not about you-however hard that may be to hear. May not be what you want to hear, but this is being honest.

Sarah xx

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Hi Sarah!

Thank you so much for your reply. I have had someone else say the same thing to me recently and this makes me feel so selfish and I'd like to think I'm not that way. It also makes me feel that I am a failure as a support to my husband as I break down at the least wee thing just now. I broke down earlier on this evening again but went to the bathroom to do that. I am just so anxious for them to get this treatment started and to hopefully in some way be able to slow the whole thing down I don't want to use the word `cure` because they told us at the beginning of this year that they had got it all and it had gone so we got a wee bit too complacent about it all without giving a second thought to it coming back. This time last year we were looking at him actually being able to get rid of the cancer which they did- or thought they did! now its like back to square one. He was walking about with that tumour in his colon for 4 years and didn't even know it and it was just at the end of 2020 the symptoms began to surface. Some of the information we've been given is slightly conflicting too. His surgeon we saw told us the cancer had come back in his stomach lining the oncologist says its his bowel membranes so don't whether this is one and the same. The surgeons colorectol nurse specialist said that it was also showing in his pelvis the oncologist said it wasn't and its possibly scarring that was picked up from an infection there. My husband had to stay in hospital a little bit longer after his operation because he developed an infection and a drain had to be inserted to get rid of whatever was there so the oncologist told us that it is possibly some scarring from that. The surgeon though was quite upset about the whole thing. I think because she said that the operation was so successful and that my husbands recovery was going so well. She told him his cancer is `slow growing` and it may take years for something really adverse to happen so hopefully this is why they want to try to tackle it again. The oncologist said that it was a bit hard to detect on the CT scan but `eventually` found it and said there are a `few cancer spots` on his bowel membrane more or less where it was before. So really we don't actually know how bad it is the way the oncologist spoke was it is there but it's treatable but whether they get rid of it all this time they don't know and it may just be something that's there but manageable. Then I wonder the longer it takes for him to start this treatment whatever it is will the cancer spread further. I'm not as bad as I was a few weeks ago mind you my anxiety was through the roof and since we found out that it can be treated that has scaled down slightly. We just try to remain as I have said `cautiously optimistic`.  Thanks for your reply again Sarah. Take Care. 

Vicky x

WOW!  Just read your story Sarah. What an inspiration you are!! So many on here have been through so much and are all so inspiring in what they have to say. Thanks again. 

Vicky xx

Hi Vicky

You really sound like you are struggling and you need support too… do you have a local cancer support centre like Maggies you can visit or call to make an appointment to speak to someone? It’s important you stay healthy as much as you can to support your hubby. I am the cancer survivor and I know my partner and family/friends have struggled with coping at times during my journey… you are not being selfish, cancer can be mentally and physically draining on everyone. The fact that you are being so honest about how you feel takes a lot of courage and I’m sure your husband knows how hard this must be for you too… If it was the other way around maybe you would cope with it better and he would be the one in pieces…I remained very calm and positive because I was worried about my elderly parents and children coping with it which I think helped me through it. I really hope you can both get the help and support you need.

Catz x 

Thank you so much Catz!

Really strange that that it seems to be the person with cancer is the one `holding it together` while the person supporting them just falls to pieces. I find just coming on here is a big help because the majority of people obviously `get` what you're going through and its good to hear of other's experiences. I think today was just `a bad day` for me and I just felt really `overwhelmed` by everything. We were told there will be `good and bad days` and I think today was one of the `bad` ones. I'm just constantly comparing now to this time last year when they told us that James cancer was going to have the cancer cut out and I began to relax a lot more and now one year on we're back to square one this time though they've not actually said the word `cure` but that it can be `managed` meaning it take it it may not get rid of it completely and this time they can't operate whether it means they can't ever operate I don't know because there are so many who come on here that say where an operation wasn't possible it becomes possible and to me cutting it out is the only sure way you can say- it's gone! well didn't really work for us in this instance but hopefully might again in the future. Thanks again. 

Vicky x

Hi Vicki

I know this is hard for you, but something else I’d say is try not to be looking back all the time as that’s not where you are now. You say you are comparing everything to last year, but that’s not really going to be helpful as that’s not the situation you’re in now. 

I was told Ned, but still my cancer came back-scans are not able to pick up absolutely everything and if there is something microscopic there, a cell or cells left after treatment, it can grow again. Cutting cancer out is not always the answer-that can cause more harm by allowing it to spread.  And the consultants don’t always know exactly what is there either. None of the scarring and radiotherapy damage I had inside showed up on a scan. You have been knocked sideways by the fact the cancer is back when you thought it was gone so that brings lots of emotions, anxiety and upset. Have you got some support for you in all of this? 

I don’t personally use the word cure or focus on that. My consultants have always used the term “no evidence of disease”, and always said “but there are no guarantees”, and I consider myself a positive realist. It might come back again, but while I’m well I want to enjoy my life and make the most of it.

I have bad days, though not so often now, when I just want to stay in bed and pull the duvet over my head-I’m not positive all of the time as that’s just not possible, and I’m only human! But in general I just take everything day by day, one foot in front of the other and try not to look too far into the future. 

There do seem to be positive things for you to hang on to-the cancer is treatable, is slow growing and can be managed. Many people live for years with cancer being managed in the same way as other life long diseases like diabetes. 

Don’t beat yourself up for having bad days, but I hope you’ll have a better day today.

Sarah xx

Thank you again Sarah! Ironic you should mention diabetes as my husband is Type 2 also so he's fighting on both corners. When he got that we started working on managing that then this came along. Trying to stay positive though. Thanks again. 

Vicky x

Hi Vicky

As someone with cancer who is married here are my thoughts.

My wife is very supportive and also struggles to handle my diagnosis (see my profile), but tries not to show it. I have told her that I will let her know if I am struggling and encourage her to have 'me time' so she does things for herself, this gets her away from me and gives her much needed breaks.

I would humbly suggest you try something similar, your husband will understand and probably encourage you.

Keith

Thank You So Much Everyone! (Sarah, Catz & Keith). 

We (both of us). Have just this last half hour had a wee heart-to-heart and everything came to a head and It's came out that both of us are totally p****d off with everything that is going on just now. We have a static caravan over in Argyll in Scotland which we own but over the last year due to James's treatment schedules have been unable to use and just started to use it again this year. Then our son's car went off the road so it had to be `Dad's Taxi` to get him to work in Troon in Ayrshire. This has been going on for the last month or so and its come down to it that our son's car was fitted with a faulty part that caused the engine to blow and the repair garage and manufacturer are arguing it out as to who is responsible for the cost of the repairs. Our son now though has a courtesy vehicle while this is getting sorted. So in all that time James has had to run William (our son) up and down to Troon for his job. He does both day and night shifts and its a shift pattern of 4 days on 4 off and James told me today that he is sick at looking at these 4 walls (our house) and because he had to be here for William it has stopped us getting to our caravan where at least he could be out in the fresh air and going for walks etc. We live in an upper cottage flat and it's a block of 4 flats we have our own garden space but we have to go up and down a flight of stairs constantly to get to it. We've lived here 30 odd years but at the time `security conscious me` wanted an upstairs flat as a lot of housebreakings were happening a few years back and it seemed to be all lower flats so I was quite happy we were an upper but has its drawbacks. Anyway James finally broke down today and told me just how fed-up he really is he says its not about having the cancer and what's to come treatment wise but I think it is. He's not one that likes to sit in all day but I think he thought he had to `be here` for William- well at the end of the day you always want to make sure your kids are ok and just that he was `tied` in having to take him to and from work started to really get to him. So I told him how I have been feeling and we had `a wee bubble` together and lots of hugs. So it's lifted the mood a little and we are going to get away next week for a couple of days before everything starts to happen with his treatment and through his treatment too. Where our caravan is it is right on a riverbank and its so peaceful and tranquil. Just the place to go if you want to really chill out. There is not much on the site amenities wise but we like that. So hopefully things now will calm down a little now we've both got things off our chest. My thanks again to you for your kind words and comments.

Vicky xx

Thats great the change of scenery will refresh you both

Keith