My Dad was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer in October 2021. It had already spread to his bladder wall by the time they had done a TURBT to biopsy his bladder. It has spread to his lymph nodes, his spine, his bowel and possibly his kidneys. He has nephrostomies for both kidneys. After picking up several infections which put him in hospital from the end of December until early Feb ( he got discharged in between episodes but spent about 9 days out of 42 days at home) he was fast tracked home last week to die at home.
He lives a few hours from me so my brother, other family members and I take it turns to go stay and help out. I'm due to go up next week.
My daughter (who is 9 and a bright kid) was aware that her Grandad was poorly however after hearing snippets of conversations over the last few weeks she outright asked me if he was dying so I told her the truth. Obviously she was upset, we had a long talk and I explained what would happen next and how Grandad looks different (showed her a picture), he would tire quicker and might not be awake enough for long chats, etc. She is adamant she wants to say goodbye to him so she wants to come with me when I go up for a few days . She last saw him at Christmas.
I told my Dad that she would be coming with me and he was fine with it. He then called me the next day to say that he would prefer it if she didn't come because he doesn't want her to see him like this. He has no control over his bowels and has been vomiting. He has care during the day. He said he was happy to do facetime with her.
I explained to my daughter what Grandad said, she became very upset then my husband said my Dad was not thinking about how his action of denying my daughter from seeing him would ultimately affect her.
I can see both sides but I'm getting stressed about what to do for the best? I know she is only a child but she thinks and feels things deeply.
I just don't know what to do
Hi and a warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both informative and supportive.
I'm sorry to read that your dad has terminal cancer and I know what a difficult time this will be for the whole family.
As the community is divided up into different support groups can I suggest that you also join the supporting someone with incurable cancer group which will give you the chance to put your question to others who will have been in a similar predicament.
To join just click on the link I've created and then join and post in the same way as you did here. You can also join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
It would be great if you could pop something about your dad's diagnosis and treatment into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
If you have any difficulty navigating the community just drop me a reply and I'll be pleased to help
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"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
