Divorce after cancer

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Hi. I'm losing myself. I got diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I think I made a huge mistake telling my wife as she was planning to seperate because emotionally I disconnected and I wouldn't tell her why. When she did leave I told her I have been disconnected from the relationship because I have cancer. When I told her the big news I did ask for her not to tell anyone as I like to keep such serious matters private but she told everyone and the reply from everyone was that I was lying about it just to get her back so in return made me feel like crap for even telling her in first place. Throughout the whole process of treatment my wife has not been supportive at all even when I try to explain that the prospect of dying is not easy for me to talk about as it scaired the life out of me and puts me in a form of depression and also being a recovering alcoholic doesn't help out either. In the beggining I used to tell her about my progress but again she keeps telling people who still claim im a liar and this info keeps coming back to me that I'm a liar which is deeply hurtfull and I keep asking her not to go tell anyone about my cancer as now I feel even worse about telling anyone else about what's happening to me. Instead of support I get them blaming me constantly about how it's all my fault which at times I agree I brought this on to myself.. (mouth cancer) but it's not nice hearing it constantly. So a year down the line I have stopped telling my wife such things as I feel no support from her as through this process she keeps telling me about her life and how I brought her back into my life so she can watch me die instead of thinking maybe I just wanted her support as I trusted her the most with this process. She constantly asks for a divorce as she wants to be with someone else who can pay all the bills so she doesn't have to work. I could say alot more but I'm just lost. Right now I'm trying to get myself healthy enough to survive this process but I'm also expected to survive through my marriage shattering and I'm lost and confused as now I feel asthough divorce is the only way I can focus on my cancer and staying alive so I can see my son grow up. Being told of 5 year success rate I just thought I would spend that time with my son watching him grow but with constant threats of my son being taken away from me and me being able to see him like once every 1-2 months is even scary as I don't know what will happen in future. 

  • Hi  and see it's your first post so welcome to the Online Community although I am so sorry to hear about the challenging and stressful time you are having.

    You may find contacting the Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 or via Webchat and Email too. This service provides practical information, emotional support or just a listening ear.

    You may also find our Ask an Expert section helpful but do allow a few working days for a reply.

    Talking to people face to face to work through these challenges can help a lot but during these strange times it’s not that available but do check to see if any Local Macmillan Support in your area has opened up. Do also check out for a local Maggie's Centre in your area as these folks are amazing.

    You may also want to consider joining our supportive Head and neck cancer group. This will be a safe place to talk to others who may have a similar diagnosis, treatment experience, to ask questions and get support.

    If you'd like to connect in with a group click on the Green link I have created above. Then once the page opens click on the black banner that says [click to join] at the bottom, or the [Join] button under "Group tools."

    You can then introduce yourself by putting up a ‘new post’ by clicking in the box near the top right with + New or + (Depending on the device you are using). You will then see a dropdown menu so hit ‘Chat’ or ‘New here, say hello’ and you are ready to go.

    All the best.

    Mike (Thehighlander)

    It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

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  • I am so sorry that you face this situation. It hurts the most to hear such words from those closest to you. I am sure you will be able to cope with all the problems and become happy. Now you should think about the legal side of the issue. Do you have a divorce lawyer? Take care of your legal security. You may encounter some problems in the divorce process, so it is important to be prepared for any situation. Many married couples neglect legal services, which leads to future problems. A good lawyer will make the divorce easier and save you from wasting your time.

  • Oh wow you have same surname as my ex wife, the divorce finalised in August it's over. Since divorce I do t even feel like getting anymore treatment, I hope this changes as I need to live for my son but time will tell

  • Dealing with cancer is already incredibly tough, and adding marital stress on top of that must feel overwhelming. It's understandable that you're feeling lost and confused. Your health should be your priority right now, and it's crucial to surround yourself with supportive people. As someone currently navigating divorce, I can relate to the complexities and emotions involved. It sounds like you're facing some unique challenges, especially with your health condition. While I'm not an expert, I've found some helpful insights at divorcejury.com/divorcing-a-disabled-spouse-what-you-need-to-know that might resonate with your situation.