Hello, not really sure how or where to start as never used anything like this before but am now at a point where i dont know what else to do. I am 41, eldest one of 4 siblings and part of a close family. Dad (64 now) diagnosed in april 21 with mouth and throat cancer. Major op end may to remove some and rotate tongue and remove lymph nodes in neck. Ended up allergic to codine and infection so admitted back in uclh on 16th june. Brought him home 21st june. Mum (also 64) passed away in sleep unexpectedly 4 hours later. Dad needed 2nd major op to clean and graft from thigh to neck 28th june. Success and dad began radiotherapy on 30th july 21 for 5 days pw for 6 weeks. We obviously have been keeping him going, telling to eat, rest etc but we all grieving for mum. Dad now deteriorating rapidly since radio and now been told has pancreatic cancer which as he is so weak, cannot be treated so now palliative care recommended. Should i have made him eat more, should i have been harder on him to keep mobile? Have we been too soft? Have we made cancer worse because we didnt want to push him too much? Feeling Guilt/anger/regret. Sorry for long post but dont really know where else to go. Trying to be strong for everyone but feel i have failed us all especially dad
Hi ..... and first take a breath..... and another......
This is such a hard time for you and the rest of the family and we all do what we thing is right at the time, there is no hand book that gives us all the correct answers - we just do what we think is best.
Please don't feel guilty, you are showing love and care.... this is the main thing you can do. At times these types of cancer are uncontrollable and what ever you do is not going to change the outcomes but the most important thing is to continue to pour out love and continue to make memories.
You may find it helpful to also post in our Supporting someone with incurable cancer group where you will connect with others supporting family and friends during these very challenging times.
The Macmillan Support Line is open 8am-8pm (timings may differ across services) 7 days a week on 0808 808 00 00 or via Webchat and Email too. This service provides practical information, emotional support, benefits/financial guidance or just a listening ear. You may also find our Ask an Expert section helpful but do allow a few working days for a reply.
Talking to people face to face can help a lot but during these strange times it’s not that available but do check to see if any Local Macmillan Support in your area has opened up. Do also check out for a local Maggie's Centre in your area as these folks are amazing are available for everyone involved in the cancer journey.
Always around to chat or to help you further in navigating the community.
All the very best ((hugs))
