My partner is getting angry with me when I'm sick from chemo

FormerMember over 3 years ago

2 replies
13 subscribers
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Hi, this is my first post here. Hopefully it's too the point and concise enough for people to engage with.

I've been having chemotherapy since the beginning of November. I'm being treated with cyclophosphamide and until recently I think I've been doing pretty well. However the recovery time is getting longer and longer and it's starting to take a visible toll. My hair is falling out and I'm losing weight pretty noticeably.

My partner is 8 months pregnant. As a result she is frequently uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so heavily pregnant. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible but am starting to feel like I'm failing and she clearly feels the same. I'm still working full time, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home. I also still do my share of the day to day tasks. Essentially, other than cooking I do the cleaning and the washing and load/unload the dishwasher. However, I'm starting to struggle with the things particular in the days after chemo.

She seems to be getting angrier with each passing day and is frequently telling me how unsupportive I am. She can't explain to me how I can be more supportive though? I tried explaining that I'm deeply concerned that I'm likely to become less supportive as things progress, which just annoys her.

I'm starting to become resentful. I don't need any support from her, either physical or emotional but I would like her to understand that I'm not being lazy or choosing to be less supportive. Plus it seems unfair for her to demand support when she's never so much as asked me how I feel about any of this. I recently told her that I was struggling with the idea of being sick when the baby arrives and that I was frightened that I might be gone before my son will remember me. I thought if I opened up to her she might understand. She got mad at this to and said that everyone gets stressed and she's stressed all the time to with work.

I could maybe deal with this but now after every dose of chemo when I'm most unwell she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion and uses this as a reason to be angry because she's sick too and I'm not helping. Again when I ask what helping looks like she was unclear but suggested I could offer to bring her tea?

I realise the above is my side of events. Still I've tried to be as unbiased in the telling as I know how. I'd really appreciate a second opinion. Am I being selfish here expecting my pregnant partner to be accepting of less support or is she being unreasonable?

Thank you for you time!

KTatHome over 3 years ago

Oh crumbs, I am feeling for both of you here. It’s a long time since I was pregnant but I remember hormones probably meant my emotions were a bit erratic, and I’d have expectations of my husband stepping in to look after me, and as well as practical help I’d want to feel loved and secure as giving birth is a scary time. Women chat a lot and so I expect she’s hearing how other husbands look after the other women in her anti natal classes and probably wishing this cancer thing hadn’t happened but knows she can’t do anything about it and it’s not your fault but it doesn’t feel fair either.

As a cancer patient myself I expect my husband to step up when I’m not feeling well and to do more practical things but also don’t mind if things slip for a few day, but most of all I want to know that I’m still loved and to be told that and to have lots of cuddles. It’s equally important for me to show him that I love him, and that I appreciate how scary the future can seem for him. You’ve told her that your frightened that you may be gone and your son won’t remember you, Did you express anything about her being left with your child on her own and how she’d cope. When we are gone we are gone but our other halves have the pain of carrying on while grieving. We patients spend some time grieving for ourselves until we are used to the idea and get our positive heads on.

I know at one stage I had to have a long talk with my husband as he seemed to have gone into self protection mode, he seemed withdrawn, he was trying not to show emotion of how scared he was of loosing me as I’d had a less than 12 months prognosis at that time (in 2015) I was scared that he would become a hermit and even more withdrawn after I’d gone as we do everything together. We had a long talk, both of us crying followed by lots of hugs and a closer relationship afterwards.

Im just not so sure when you tried to open up to your partner that either of you got out of that talk what you wanted. It’s difficult for both of you and I hope you’re able to have another go at talking and that you can both open up to each other as a couple working together, rather than individual wants. I hope you can both enjoy a happy relationship and future family life, life must seem hard for both of you at the moment.

Take care KT

Alottment lover over 3 years ago

Hi, it must be an incredible strain for both of you right now, I'm so sorry. KTatHome has posted lovely words and spot on so I'm not going to repeat those. Sometimes people need to feel in control of what's going on by ignoring the bad stuff. We think by not "feeling" the huge emotions that your situation demands it can't be real. But stress will always come out. If you can perhaps find time, place and reasonable state of mind then you might start the ball rolling by explaining how you feel right now (gently and with love) what you are scared of, what you feel you're missing out on by feeling so rough now, how you wish you could be there for her more...just thoughts of mine really- not the words you have to use of course. We all need reassurance when we are ill or heavily pregnant, that we are loved and wanted.

Macmillan do offer a 6 session counselling service. If you have a specialist nurse for your particular cancer then they could maybe steer you in the right direction for help and guidance. Sending you both strength and courage to find a way through thus difficult path. Please do keep chatting on here for support, it's been a lifeline for me. X