Last christmas with my mum

Hi

I'm very sorry to read that your mum only has a few months left so it's completely understandable how you're feeling at the moment.

I can see that you're a member of the supporting someone with incurable cancer group and I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you also post this there as well. That way you'll connect directly with others who are in a similar position and who will give you the support that you need.

Sending (((hugs)))

I'm in a similar situation. We think mum will die some time next year we only found out mid-November. I feel a lot of pressure to make this Christmas really fun but all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Now that I'm off work for a couple of weeks the slowing down I think has created space for feelings. 

Mum is sleeping on average 12 hours at night plus an afternoon nap and gets tired very easily. We're taking on the cooking for the first time ever and mum and dad haven't had the capacity to buy presents. 

I don't know how we're going to glaze over the sadness but what I've worked out is that the point of living is to achieve moments of joy and make sure you are present enough to enjoy them. So if you were looking for advice (not sure if you were) that would be mine. Although I'm struggling with that myself!!

Thanks for this post. Makes me feel less alone

How did Christmas go for you all?

My husband was diagnosed with incurable peritoneal cancer last February. In October we were told it was terminal. He asked if we were talking weeks or months and the oncologist replied 'months but I would get your affairs in order'. We are coming up to 3 months since this diagnosis and I have seen a deterioration in my husband over the last 3 weeks. 

We attended a family wedding at the beginning of December but since they he has been finding things much harder. He was still trying to work (as he runs his own business) but was finding his concentration wasn't there. I was given time off work to help him get things organised. He had a really bad weekend 1 week before Christmas, so much so that I was worried he wasn't going to make it. He seemed to pick up again and we were able to have a good few days as a family before Xmas day but also on Xmas day with some extended family. 

I was worried that I or other family would get upset on Xmas Day and make it much harder but it wasn't like that. We all enjoyed some nice food, good company and the kids all enjoyed playing together. It was a very positive day. 

However since he went to bed around 8pm on Xmas Day he has struggled with pain. He thought it was because he ate too much & blamed himself! He didn't want me to contact the hospice nurse as he believed it would get better but finally on Wednesday he agreed to contact the hospice who changed his medication a little to try and give him some relief. He says the pain is manageable with the medication but his energy hasn't returned which is what he feels is the hardest. He feels like he won't come back from this. 

He is sleeping quite a lot but still managing to get up & lie on the sofa to watch the football & darts (although he can still fall asleep on the sofa & miss most of the match). When he is awake he is still alert and able to have a good conversation usually about sport, the news or family. His abdomen has swollen a lot over the last few weeks too. It looks like he is pregnant as it is solid. The Dr says this is due to the tumour growth. He has been managing to eat small meals. I have limited him to portion sizes the same as the children. The hospice nurse said he should try to drink some of the fortisip drinks to increase his calorie intake but he isn't keen. 

He says every day it feels different so feels like he is getting closer to the end. I saw my gran, Papa & aunt pass away after cancer and all 3 of them were much less alert when they were awake when they were close to the end. I feel that if he is still able to get out of bed and an interest in eating then we still have some time. I do worry that the more his abdomen swells the more pressure that could be put on this heart and an increased risk of a heart attack. 

My other worry is that his family are in denial about how he is. They saw his suffering on Xmas Day and know he went to bed early but yet they weren't in touch on Boxing Day to find out how he was. I keep telling them that he is not eating, sleeping lots, feels like his body is shutting down etc but they don't seem to get it. Short of being blunt with them I don't know what else either of us can say to make them realise things aren't going to get better.   

Thinking of you all at this difficult time. x

My beautiful, wonderful mum was taken into hospital on 17th Dec. her 74th birthday and passed away on Christmas Eve

My mum had been unwell for sometime and refused to bother DR's etc because of the pandemic she hoped it was just a bug and it would pass by self medicating. She didn't want to worry me or the rest of the family as I'm recovering from Bowel Cancer.

Anyway it turns out she had 2 stage 4 cancer's lung and pancreatic, a collapsed lung, pneumonia and an infection. Myself and my family were in shock, broken hearted and distraught at this news as you can imagine.

What I'm trying to say is treasure the time you have with your mum while you can. Even although she sleeps 12hrs a day trust me she's very aware of everything that's going on around her, and keep talking to her. Even although there maybe no response it's difficult and will break your heart make each day count. My family and I did for the short time we had left with Mum.

Sending big hugs to you all and stay strong