My emotions are being thrown everywhere! My primary tumour in my bowel was discovered on emergency surgery in April. The surgery was brutal and I was left with a colostomy bag and trauma.
During that surgery a "shadow " was spotted on my liver. As the hospital where I was admitted didn't have liver specialist it wasn't removed and my oncologist went on to treat it with immunotherapy. The treatment showed great results after 4 rounds so I was delighted.
So I was very surprised in September when my oncologist said she was referring my case to another local hospital within the Trust for a liver specialist to have a look. I was still convinced that I would be OK because my tumour had shrunk so much from the therapy alone but the specialist said "No , that tumour is coming out". All of the anxiety/trauma from the first op came crashing back and I've been struggling since.
I've asked twice now why I'm having the op despite my results and I haven't got a tangible answer. I even told the liver registrar that I didn't want the op!
I'm sure there's a very good reason why I'm having it but I'm still not sure what that reason is! All I've been told is that I have satisfied 2 surgical criteria: 1. Does it improve life chances and 2. Is it safe? But if the treatment is going so well why don't they leave me be?
On Monday I went in for my surgery. It took me so much mental work to get myself ready (I'm a qualified NLP practitioner so I know the usual tricks) but I sat there with my wrist band on and thought "in 4 hours or so I will be free of cancer so this has got to be worth it!". My op got cancelled due to the arrival of a liver transplant. I got sent home and was told to wait for a reschedule. I was distraught.
Fair play to them, they kept their promise and called me today with a new date for next Monday. This should be good news but I can't stop crying!
I'm swinging from elation to despair to guilt to fear and all the time I'm trying to put a brave face on and get ready for a sodding Christmas that I might miss because I could be in hospital!
The lack of certainty in my life is driving me mad, I can't sleep and I'm comfort eating like a demon - luckily my ileostomy is preventing me from gaining weight (every cloud eh?).
I'm tired, stressed, confused and very frightened. I'm flying off the handle at the slightest thing and I can't concentrate on anything at all.
Hi
It sounds like you've been through a great deal so it's no wonder that you're left feeling as you do.
I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you copy and paste this post into a new post in the bowel cancer group as I'm sure there'll be people there who will be happy to share their experiences with you. If this is something that you'd like to do clicking on the link I've created will take you straight there.
When you feel up to it it would be great if you could pop something about your diagnosis and treatment so far into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
x
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
