So angry and resentful of non cancer families happiness

Hello CJaneG, I’m sorry to hear about how you are feeling right now, and yes I’ve been there and I bet loads of others have to. I’m the cancer patient and it’s often said the careers get more stress than the patient themselves, of course not every patient has a carer so your husband is very lucky to have you in his corner. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to have a moan receive a hug (virtual or otherwise) and decide how we want to carry on. 

When at my lowest I try to remember my tool box of ways to cope, one tool is to have 3 good things to say or write down to change the mind set. 

Things you planned to do and accomplished or things you noticed and felt grateful for in nature, or friendship or sometimes else. When I found it difficult to plan anything in lockdown, I had just completed a HOPE course done by Macmillan so that gave different toolkits to help deal with stuff and then I was invited to a virtual mindfulness set of sessions. My plan something different could be as simple as eat something different for lunch, wear something different, change the order of something in the day, find something creative to do. That in its self gave a laugh at the ridiculousness of it, and actuallly on reporting back the next week things seemed a bit lighter. 

I could join in with the me to of how sometimes the chatter of friends during a walk really annoy me, or my sister in law wittering on the phone about nothing and forgetting to ask how me or or brother are, and how I feel paralysed into wether to say  get over your self, or wether to just appreciate that in the past we must have been really good listeners that they are off loading to us, or are we really bad at saying, I’m having a reallly tough time now and what I need out of this conversation is not more baggage but a happy memory or happy experience to take me through the day, or can they listen for a change to your moans. It’s not that easy though as some people are incapable of being that listening ear, but hopefully we turn somewhere else to find the ear we need,

i haven’t been much of a ear tonight I’ve tried to be a solver in one way. My I offer a few more solver musings.

1) Try writing your profile sometimes it helps and gets the argh out and helps you appreciate what you are and have been going through, a really tough time, it can be the start of being kind to you. You click on your user name find edit write it and save it. Click on my user name and it will give you an idea ?

2) I notice you joined a cancer group but not a carer group, that might be good to find others in the same boat who can understand and perhaps come out the other side. Carers Only - Discussion Forum

3) THE Macmillan support line 0808 808 0000 might have some ideas for respite care, or a telephone buddy to help relieve how your feeling or something bettter than I can think of. 

4j please accept my virtual hug (()) things are tough for you 

KT I don'y often pop in here but it looks like I should. What an absolutely wonderful post.

CJaneG,

no cancer brought happiness and peace to my live. Now i focus in what is rely cares and give a sh… about what people think about me.

it’s normal that the rest of the world keeps going with life, weren’t you doing the shame before cancer?

I hope you find peace soon 

Unknown said:

Does anyone else feel so angry and resentful towards other people who have no idea how lucky they are to be able to do simple things such as going to the supermarket for a can of beans?

I did for a while. Then thought it’s not their fault I have cancer and folk have different flashpoints for their own discomfort. It’s their problem not mine. 

Hi

I’m sorry to read about your husband and your feelings towards others who are having ‘first world problems’ - totally get your resentment. I wonder if this is part of a grieving process for the life you and your husband had? Saying this because I had a pancreatic cancer diagnosis, surgery and having chemo currently, but am also now a type 1 diabetic which means I have to check my blood before driving anywhere in the car - gone are the carefree days of being spontaneous! Guess it does stop me from over using the car which benefits the environment, so a small positive there. 

Personally, I am more annoyed with people who play medical top trumps - whatever I’ve got ( and pancreatic cancer is pretty bad!) they’ve had worse, they take more pills, hair’s falling out (not due to chemo like my hair shed is) etc I try to keep a positive mindset as (for me) being self absorbed about my illness doesn’t help anyone, least of all me. I’m actively avoiding these people as don’t want their negativity polluting my head space - is that a tactic you could use, maybe for the short term? I’ve found walking with friends really helps too cos there’s nature to enjoy which might distract from negative talk?

sorry for my rant…take care of you x

Thank you

The problem is people complain about everything and when you’ve had cancer or still going through it everything people moan about becomes trivial