How to help my mum

FormerMember over 3 years ago

1 reply
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My mum was diagnosed with a bladder tumour at the end of June. It was removed at the end of July and histology has come back and it's all come back as very low grade and non invasive. Which is the best news we could've asked for. She has a few lesions around her ureta and has another operation to double check and remove the lesions, but has had CT scans and it hasn't spread anywhere else, which again is good news.

I don't live at home, but I see her most days. When I see her, she is good as she sees me and her grandson and has a distraction. However, when we aren't there she is mentally struggling. She has said she will never be the same again and is generally in a dark place.

What can I do to get her out of this place?

KTatHome over 3 years ago

Hi Arj68, I’d say keep doing what you’ve been doing.

I’m a cancer patient (Mum) 6 years in, it’s good that she’s able to see you and have a distraction, she will probably want time to really talk about how she’s feeling and grieving for herself and how she may have altered, and the uncertainty she may still feel about the future, and at some point when she feels that she is continuing to repeat herself she may thing hang on a minute I’ve got this, it’s natural to feel uncertain and sad at times and I’ve got a coping strategy. Cancer takes a bit of control away from us, and at times I’ve felt I just want someone else to be proactive for me and at other times I’ve known it’s best for me to take those first steps.

There’s a lot of help that your Mum can tap into but she has to want to, and it doesn’t have to all come from you.

She could ring the Macmillan support line 0808 808 0000 and she could just talk, or if she has identified what she needs ask questions about how to get the support or information she needs.

She could join the community here and the Bladder cancer forum, and find how she’s feeling is like many have felt.

She could contact her specialist nurse at the hospital as they have a remit for helping emotionally as well as physically, or her GP, they may have a list of local places that help, or she may already know of local cancer centres that offer one to one counselling sessions, or day courses, or the 6 week HOPE course. I did the Macmillan HOPE course when I identified that I would have a period of uncertainty coming up and wanted to make sure I had Different coping strategies as mine was usually walking which may have not been possible due to an operation, as it was it was just before covid so it was well timed. It covered thinking about how you and your body might have altered and about generally being kind to yourself. It also runs a similar course for careers of the cancer patient.

Its also seen as very stressful being a friend or family member so you may want support for you helping your mum. So you may want to join the Family and friends - Discussion Forum.

I also found the Macmillan information and support pages very helpful the ones about talking.

I hope some of this helps.

Take care KT