My Dad is terminally ill with small cell lung cancer that has spread to his bowel and lymphnodes on his neck he has tried every medication going over the past year since his diagnosis but it's just too aggressive. My Dad went from being fully independent, fully able, 4 and a half weeks ago to now being bedbound unable to do more than brush his teeth and drink his drinks himself after he was rushed to hospital with a bowel perforation which due to the spread of the cancer tumors in his bowels already meant it was inoperable. He spent 4 weeks in the hospice. His first night we were called in to say goodbye, this happened again 3 times while he was there but he pulled through. He went home last Thursday and now he has carers in 4 times a day and the district nurse come to do his syringe drive.
The biggest issue has always been the unstable mental health of my Mum who he lives with. She did not want him home. She would barely visit him in the hospice. She just took his money and went about her life and left myself, my sister and my two brothers to be there for my Dad. He has been discharged from the hospice and is now in his home, bedbound, but where he wanted to be. His wife, my Mum is an alcoholic in denial. She is making everything so hard. She constantly talks about how having my Dad home is affecting her. How his illness is affecting her. She doesn't want us round (clearly because it impacts her drinking time as we have had so many talks with her about her drinking problem so she's now gone back to lying and hiding it). She is having really hurtful conversations in front of my Dad She can hardly look after herself and is now in charge of making sure my Dad is being looked after. (thank god we are around to do that as otherwise nothing would get done) My Dad tried to talk talk her while he was in the hospice and make her see that she needed help but her reply was "I will just walk away". We have all tried to support her but she just takes everything and throws it back at us without one thought to how it is for us. She goes defensive and straight to the attack.
She is a vile alcoholic. Craves a drink by lunchtime and doesn't stop. She hides bottles, disguises her drinks but it is so clear to see when she has started drinking becuase she turns toxic. By the afternoon she is drunk and unstable. It is a constant worry that she will turn verbally abusive towards the carers. She repeatedly talks negatively about my Dad and the situation. She has no understanding of how hard she is making everything. There is no talking to her about it. She becomes obnoxious and then carries it over and is vile to the whole family including my Dad. By the morning she's sobered up with no memory and starts again. If anyone dares to tell her about her actions it results in her flying off the handle. This is having a huge affect on everyone especially my Dad. He feels like a burden and barely talks anymore. He constantly seems to protect her and won't speak up, it's not fair on him to have to go through this. I am having to support the whole family and do everything I can for my Dad as well which I absolutely don't mind doing but she is making life so hard. I don't know what to do. She won't admit she has a problem.
On one occasion when my Dad was in the hospice sedated from the amount of pain relief he needed and heavily infected due to his bowel perforation. We were told he may not make it. My Mum turned up (albeit reluctantly turned up)drunk, So she drove to the hospice drunk, proceeded to shout through the corridors about her life to a member of staff and made the staff member feel extremely unsafe. She then stormed off and drove home. She is so unstable and so unsafe but no one seems to be able to do anything to stop her. I'm scared for everyones safety but I'm more angry at how this is affecting my Dad and the rest of the family emotionally and mentally. It seems like there is nothing or no one to help. Everyone I have tried to speak to just doesn't want to seem to do anything. These are my Dads last moments, I won't ever get these back and it's all been tarnished. Just like every situation.
There must be someone who will listen to me. Someone who can help.
Hi Onlymeoverhere. Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear about what has been happening for you .
Sadly and having worked in Alcohol Services in the past and also have family experience of Alcohol Dependency, believe it or not your mum is as sick as your Dad, just in a different way. She does sound like she does have an Alcohol dependency and often people who have that have an underlying reason for using Alcohol to cover up anxiety or take it away or to appear confident when they are not as examples. Its not an excuse its how it usually happens, That said it is of no help to you in the current situation. What I will say to you though is that unless your mum wants to stop drinking herself nothing anyone says is going to make any difference and sometimes people have to reach the bottom before they can come back up again. As far as she is concerned she does not have a problem. She is very lucky that the hospital staff did not report her for Drink Driving or that she was stopped by the Police or even worse involved in an accident.
Does your Dads GP know the circumstances and could they be of help or the Hospice Team as your Dads care may be being affected by all this? It must be very very difficult for you and I wish I could say something that would make any of this better for you and leave you with better memories than these.
Do let us know how you get on but for now I would concentrate on your dad and try the very best you can for him .
Sending some hugs your way for now.xxx
gail
