True friends walk in as others walk out

FormerMember over 4 years ago

5 replies
14 subscribers
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I'm interested in reading others experiences of loved ones reactions and subsequent actions on telling them you have cancer.

I was diagnosed in September '19. I told my best friend of 30+ years a few days later, she hung up the phone on me without saying anything. Two weeks later she contacted me to offer to attend a concert I had tickets for with my partner, as she assumed I would be unable to go and that my partner " would probably appreciate a break from all your stuff and go to the concert with me" .....

Surgery took place in November '19, I was in hospital for a week, she arranged to visit me twice but failed to arrive on both occasions, without explanation. February '20 she contacts me to visit me at home, she arrived drunk, this was the first time I had seen her since the week before diagnosis. She talks at great length about how scared she is at the thought of me starting chemotherapy but that she would "just have to put on my big girl pants and get through this"

March '20, pandemic lockdown happens and I become and continue to be a shielding patient, there is sporadic contact from my friend, often months between contact. By surprise I hear from her October '20 at this time most of her messages mention how much support she would have given me if it hadn't been for lockdown.

February '21 I'm facing second diagnosis, I contact her to tell her ... I have received no reply

I doubt I will keep her up to date this time around

Is this reaction typical, she's the only friend who has behaved this way

What have been others experiences?

ownedbystaffies over 4 years ago

People can be very strange in response to the news- sometimes shockingly so. It is hard to know what is going on with them, and maybe your news triggers something in them and they are just scared. I think so many people still have a vision from the past of what it meant to be diagnosed with cancer - immediate decline and death. Some people you dont expect to step up, others step away. Is sad to lose old friends but sounds like you need to accept she is not really there for you and hopefully others are. I think we all have stories which are similar to yours.

GRANNY59 over 4 years ago

Hi Gerberra 22 welcome to the forum.

Isnt it funny that when we get time to really look at something or someone we can see what they are really like and not always what we have believed them to be. I wonder if this is what is happening for you as this friend seems to like to tell folks that they wished they could be more help but can't but when ideally they can they don't take the opportunity

I think there are some who can deal with all this and be there for you but there are others that just cant see it through for whatever reason.

Maybe don't keep them in the loop and see what happens I feel sure that another friend will emerge who will be a rock for you when the chips are down and maybe its not this person after all. Save all your energy for round 2 and good luck with it all

Sending some huge big hugs your way for now. xxx

gail

FormerMember over 4 years ago in reply to ownedbystaffies

Hi ownedbystaffies

Thank you for your reply, you are so right. I have many friends who have been SO strong and really been amazing supports. This friends reaction has just been such a shock as it was a 30+ years friendship through many rough time I can't understand their reaction without explanation.

Take care

FormerMember over 4 years ago

Hi Gerbera22

I am new to the Macmillan community web page. Scrolling through I came across this page.

Like you I have/had a friend of fifty years, when I told her my husband had been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, she sent me a text saying, give me a ring sometime for a chat. Sorry I don’t want a chat. I wanted someone I could talk to. It hurt.

Another friend, who lives a long way away, whom I don’t see very often, has there for me a shot. We talk and she listens. That’s all we need sometimes someone to talk to and listens and also to have a giggle with.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Dustyjae

winkers60 over 4 years ago

Hi Gerbera22,My friends and family have been supportive.The most extreme reaction came from my ex partner who wrote and told me he was so upset he went on a 3 day drinking binge.Worringly he fell and injured himself.Once he sobered up he asked in what way he could help me.He helped me out financially.The biggest suprise was the amount of support I had from another old boyfriend.He is a quiet shy man but he phoned,sent texts and cards.I also had cards from his father,it was touching and helped when I felt low post surgery.I just wish my friends lived nearer,most are over 200 miles away.Jane