Convincing him to talk

Hello ManthaP,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband have found yourself in this situation.  How people deal with these situations is so individual that it is difficult to know what to suggest, especially as I am not clear exactly what it is that you are concerned and want to talk about.  I think part of the difficulty is that your husband has the right to chose whether he talks to anybody about his concerns or not.  I'm not sure that Macmillan would even agree to talk to him because of your concerns.  What they would probably do is agree to talk to you and if he was present then he might begin to recognise your needs in this as well.  I know that face to face meetings are difficult to arrange but if you had a telephone conversation whilst on speakerphone then he would hear what you have to say, unless he chooses to get up and leave the room.

Is there anyone else that could talk to him about it, perhaps a sibling or close friend, someone that could try to explain how this is making you feel.  Alternatively if they called you on the phone to talk to both of you on speaker phone or facetime then you could again talk to them and he would be present but perhaps more likely to stay.

Perhaps you should begin to write a list of the things that you are worried about as a prompt for when you do get the chance to talk to someone, whether it is your husband or Macmillan.

As you are aware he can request a Macmillan nurse either via his GP or his Oncology team but again this would usually have to come from him.  You might also have a look through the Macmillan booklets in the cancer information and support section on the website.  CLICK HERE to go directly to it.  If you order copies of the booklets which highlight your concerns and read them and leave them somewhere he might pick them up and look at them this might prompt a conversation.

I am sure that Macmillan would be able to make some more suggestions as well as clarifying exactly what they can and cannot do.  Perhaps if you called them on the helpline 0808 808 00 00 they could offer you a way forward.

I doubt that I have been much help and hope that someone else may be able to offer you some alternatives but I did not want you to feel that your post had been ignored.

Wishing you and your husband all the best,

Love and Hugs,

Gragon x

Hi,

Getting a cancer diagnosis, or getting bad news about an existing cancer returning or progressing hits you hard.  It's a really difficult and unusual time, and he probably doesn't understand it all himself yet - so it's not going to be easy to explain how he feels to someone else.  

Plus, he might just not want to talk about it.  Everyone is different, and their situations are totally unique.  If your husband wasn't much of a talker to begin with,it's unlikely that cancer will change that!  Most men could happily get through life without talking about anything at all....

Here's what I think;  If he's putting off talking to a doctor about a possible diagnosis, then I definitely think it's worth pushing.  The faster you get something looked at, the better.

If he's already had a diagnosis, then leave him to it.  It can take a while to figure it all out.  My guess is that he needs his own plan before worrying about getting anyone else involved.  He definitely needs you around, and the security and stability you bring - he's just working things out.

Just letting him know that you're always there is probably enough.

Jon

https://knob.blog

Hi. Just read your question. My husband is the same. Doesn't talk about how he feels, and asks know questions when he goes to appointments, luckily I can go with him, but that's difficult aas one specialist said I would prefer to hear from him. Luckily most of the other specialist are happy for me to talk, as they have realized he is not a great talker. I am like you I need to know, and have a plan, he just says they no what they are doing. It's very difficult and I feel your pain. X 

Hi Manthap

I empathise  wholeheartedly

I am facing my second and much scarier diagnosis in six months. My partner of 8 years has completely shut down, he is an ostrich at the best of times and really struggles when faced with something he can't "fix". He has gone totally silent on me since the rediagnosis news on 18th February. 

He has refused support from my specialist cancer nurse, my clinical psychologist and our local Maggies Centre, he doesn't have many friends apart from a work colleague but due to covid they have all been working from home since March 2020 so he doesn't see this colleague, only occassionally speaks to her via calls or teams at work. 

Both of us are currently signed off work to have the time to deal with the barrage of appointments, calls etc. We were due back to work this week, but frustratingly while I was out for a walk this week he spoke to his GP and has been signed off for another week, so I will return to work before him! I can't take extended time off due to the amount of time off I had between September 2019 and August 2020 during surgery and treatment. My salary is now at half pay and I am the main earner by a significant amount. 

I'm struggling to even get him to leave the house, he's staying up until 1/2am getting up mid morning sitting down, headphones plugged into his laptop and spends the day watching series or gaming. He barely utters a word and when I try to talk about what's going on he either cries or gets disproportionately angry at me. 

I'm stuck dealing with my diagnosis and his lack of ability to do anything to even help, talk, housework, leaving the house. What else can I do to turn this fugg around? 

Women ... the weaker sex? Hardly! 

I hope you can break through this and you and your husband can communicate and express how this all feels. 

I'm empathise with your situation. It must be very scary for you. 

He has never been a big sharer of feelings so I don't know why I expect him to start now.

I'm finding though that at least once a week he is getting really angry with the slightest thing and then as he is shouting he might share his he is feeling. For example tonight he said he is frustrated about not being able to do gardening tasks that 12 months ago he would have not given a second thought about. Yet when I try to talk to him he says he isn't frustrated! 

I'm getting some counselling through work so that's helping me.

All we can do is our best and take each day as it comes. Good luck xoxo

We are in very similar circumstances, the bursts of anger are hard to deal with as they then get deflected as it being me who set up an argument. We have barely spoken all weekend as I suggested a visit to our local Maggies Centre, he went on a rant about being unable to do that as it would be breaching covid travel restrictions .... beyond ridiculous. 

I am pleased to read you have counselling support at work, that could be a great release for you in a safe space. 

Sending compassion your way