My mum has been diagnosed

Hello my lovely.
Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum and am sending you all my love and strength.
My own mum was diagnosed with lung cancer just before Christmas and they initially said it was possible to remove the cancer via surgery so we were pretty confident she'd be fine.
It's since been confirmed that it's spread to her lymph nodes and is currently stage 3 but they're saying this could change... (I'm guessing not positively!).

I have very much been in denial until today and I've spent a lot of time crying and trying to start getting my head around it. Surreal is a word I've used a lot too, so I totally get what you're saying. However, try not to feel bad because it's one of those situations where she's probably putting a brave face on for you and vice versa! 

We're currently waiting on another couple of tests and an appointment with oncology but I'm starting to get scared they won't even bother with the treatment or, if they do, whether it will be worth it and actually give her a chance at a longer life.

It's such a horrible time and I'm sending you my best wishes and am more than happy to chat if you would like

xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last march and subsequently found it had spread to her stomach. She had a radical hysterectomy and then radiation treatment. After her radiation treatment finished she was never contacted or had any follow ups which concerned me greatly.

After a time she had more symptoms and attended the doctors herself  and was then referred BACK to the gynaecologist who said he was very concerned. He asked what her last scan had shown and she told him she hadn't had one and he was shocked. Now she has perinial cancer and she is very very ill. I'm really struggling to cope as I know the outlook is bleak but her quality of life is nil at the moment.

Apart from struggling with her being so ill and the dark thoughts about the future im SO angry at her lack of treatment or lack of compassion she has suffered. She really has fallen through the gaps during Covid so I've convinced myself she would have been ok had it not been for covid or lack of treatment or follow up.

Perhaps the outcome might have been the same but I've convinced myself it would have been found sooner had she had a follow up. She's promised phone calls which never happen. She had a brilliant mcmillan nurse who sadly left and her new nurse has never returned a call. It's sad because the Mcmillan nurses are amazing and such a help but sadly this time its not felt like that.

As pixieblue says im not actually sure why im here im just struggling so much and cant even get through the days without breaking down with worry or regrets of not making more phone calls or demanding action. It's sad to think we have this in common but alas we have. Big hugs for you as I know exactly how you feel x

Dear PixieBlue, Rebeccallx and ,

It is good that you have found each other here and I would encourage you to continue to talk to each other, it is good to talk to others with similar experiences.  If you feel like you are taking over a thread then you can become "friends" and send each other messages off the public forum.  If you move the curser over the persons username a box will appear with a few boxes in it, click on the one marked  friend request and it will send this to the other person.  The person you have contacted will see a notification at the top right of their page where your username and icon/avatar are.  If they click on accept you can then share private messages.  A bit like WhatsApp you can message more than one person at once if you all wanted to chat together.  You can also share personal information if you actually preferred to use a WhatsApp group.

I did want to point out that there is a group called "Family and Friends" which I see Rebecca has already found.  It might be useful to post on there as well if you need anymore support or have any specific questions.  If you click on this link HERE you should be taken straight to that group.

I would suggest that the first person you ask about what support your mum wants is your mum.  I think we all cope differently and all have different needs when it comes to support and how we want others to approach us.  As someone living with cancer it can be good to have someone to talk about regarding the emotional impact but only if you feel comfortable opening up to that person.  I can talk to different people about different aspects depending upon the topic and if I think that they can cope with it.  Sometimes they might want a bit of practical help but might be afraid to ask for fear of upsetting you.  Areas like writing wills and talking about funeral preferences are difficult but for some people are things that they want to get doe so that they can then forget about them knowing that they are in place "just in case"

You might also want to ring the Macmillan helpline on 08080 800 0000 as they are very experienced in both giving emotional support but also practical advice.  I talked to them about my finances (mortgage, insurance, benefits etc) but also other resources such as employment rights and a blue badge for parking.

Depending upon treatment your mums might come under the shielding advice for covid and be entitled to additional support from the local authority and possibly to register for a regular delivery slot from the supermarkets to reduce the risk of them having to mix with others.  It might be helpful if you could check and see if this applies to them.

I appreciate that it is scary as both my parents experienced cancer but by being available for them as much as you can be then if they need to help then they know that you are there.

Just one thing which I am sure you will be aware of but when you develop cancer you are still much more than a cancer patient and are still Mum, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, work colleague etc and it is important that you are able to continue in that role.  If you try and avoid talking to them about anything upsetting, stop telling jokes, stop talking about your plans for the future, then all they have to talk about is cancer and that becomes very tiresome.

Thank you Gragon very sound advice. Unfortunately just this evening mum was rushed to A&E and needs a full blood transfusion. I can't even see her. BUT before she left in the ambulance I made sure she had a good few hours of laughter and mickey taking ! you take care also. stay safe.

Hello ,

I'm sorry both to hear that your mum got rushed into hospital and that I have not seen your post earlier and responded.  What is the news regarding your mother,  I hope that the transfusion resolved the issue.  Please let us know how she got on and how you are doing.

Thinking of you both,

Gragon x

Hi Rebecca, I'm also trying to deal with the news of my mum having stage 3 lung cancer and would love to chat about how we are feeling, as also very overwhelmed at the moment and not really sure where to turn? I think talking it through with someone going through something similar, would  really help me? Xxxx

Hi, my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer just as the pandemic closed the hospitals to visitors.  It was devastating as I couldn't be with him when he was given the diagnosis of a rare and aggressive type of cancer.  We both felt very alone.  However, he underwent surgery to remove his badder, prostate and lymph glands and was given a stoma.  He recovered well and we 've got his stoma bag change down to a fine art...despite being given no help from the stoma nurses due to covid....talk about the blind leading the blind !

Then, a month ago, after a chest scan he was told he had cancer in both his lungs...you can imagine what a blow that was after having recovered so well from the bladder removal surgery.  But, as always he took it on the chin and decided to look for a motorhome so that we could get out and see parts of the country we'd always wanted to visit...perhaps even go abroad !

Things were looking up, he was relatively well and in good spirits.  Then the leg pain started and he was spending more and more time in bed as walking brought on the pain.  He was angry, with myself and our daughter who is mildly autistic and lives at home.  A different person altogether when talking to his sister and his friends...you'd think nothing was wrong !  It was very difficult for our daughter who really didn't understand and argued with him.

Then a couple of days ago I noticed a change in my husband, he who was always financially on the ball, suddenly started to forget simple things...couldn't remember his own email address or how to play chess, which he did with our daughter every evening !  I called our GP in on the pretext that he needed a blood test doing for the renal doctor.  That was when it all went wrong...the doctor told me that the cancer was everywhere and was likely to have invaded his brain...he then started asking my husband about a DNR and where he would like to be for his end of life care !   I wanted to scream, no this is too soon but I kept calm.  I feel so broken.  My husband now seems to have withdrawn, he sleeps a lot because of the painkillers.  I don't know what to say to him...I suddenly feel, after nearly 50 years together, I don't know him.  He's like a stranger...we are being very polite but there's no emotion.  Is this what the rest of his days are going to be like ?  I suppose what I'm asking is....will we ever go back to being easy with each other...I want to make the rest of his time here happy...but I'm walking on eggshells.