Christmas gift

What about a memory/autograph book friends and family can write in while your mum can still read and she can reply to on the next page? or vice/versa x

Hi , there’s a lot of pressure at Christmas isn’t there and thinking or acknowledging it’s a last Christmas brings extra pressure.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with advanced cancer and felt 2015 would be my last Christmas as I was on tablets that on average only treated my cancer for 9 months. That was a terrible Christmas I felt too ill to cook and I was sick between courses. My daughter offered to help cook but my husband said he could manage. My husband had never been great at presents, and I can’t remember what he got me. My daughter bought a care package gift, you registered with a site and they would send something each week a surprise to help with wellbeing. That present made me cry as I was thinking that when I’m gone it would be more use to here than me. I just wanted to know that things would carry on ok (or better) after I was gone. As you can see I’m still here after a second line of treatment became available on the NHS which is still working and the pressure of any Christmas being my last is off, which sounds like that may not be the same for your Mum. 

I would say talk to your Mum and find out what she wants Christmas to be like, and what she values, and what her worries are and I think the answer will come to you. She may want help from you to help her do a memory box for you and her Grandchildren to have from her photos and reminders of happy past times. (An extension of the idea of a memory book already suggested by BootysD) She might not want that as a present from you to her as it forces her to think of the end, or she may love it as she has reconciled with the end coming. In the end the thing she probably wants is you and quality time. I don’t know if you have any family traditions like going for a walk playing a game together. That for me is special, and has been for my Mom and Dad. After my Dad passed my Mum reminded me of when we pushed him in a wheel chair near the river. My Mum who has now passed said she loved the atmosphere around her of us playing board or card games. Last Christmas we played an oldie but good board game with her and had a present of a new one which we enjoyed together. This year we have already discussed that she shouldn’t come because of Covid but we will see each other by internet as we have been doing weekly since March for a virtual Sunday meal and sharing a computer game experience. I have a bracelet she bought me one year, it has birth stones on it to signify me my husband and our 2 daughters, that is nice to wear and as I had a nervous habit of rubbing my hands together when stressed I can now stroke the bracelet. 

We also have a tradition of new pyjamas and a piece of chocolate at Christmas and as my other daughter is in Japan we have received presents from abroad to fit that criteria that are very different but keep to that theme and it’s lovely when she can come over for Christmas but when she can’t we set an extra space and again have a FaceTime and she can see her place set for her and one of her old cuddly toys sat in her space. 

I don’t know if you will be together or apart this Christmas and I’m hoping that even if separated you will feel together. Your Mum will if she is like me (and my Mum) will want to feel that she has not been forgotten and that you will be safe and happy after she has passed. 

You might want gifts that just make life easier up to the end, something to help her get to sleep easier or bring some joy, or to remember her life, a v shaped pillows, a cool pillow, lavender pouches, cheer up special chocolate treats, an empty book for recalling special memories or writing a wish list, a new nightie, a weighted blanket to aid sleep, a mindfulness app, a photo album, a piece of jewellery (that you jokingly say you want back after she’s gone), a photo of all of you. Just keep in mind what you want to say to her or do for her and I’m sure the gift idea will come. 

Have a very happy Christmas, even though it may seem tough to do so.

Matching joma joma bracelets their light to wear when your poorly and you can treasure them knowing your loved one is in heaven with hers xxx

My granddaughter made a lovely gift which was a glass lidded jar into which she’d put tiny folded messages hand written on colour-coded paper eg Pink = things I love about you Yellow = memories Green = things you’ve taught me. The recipient was so touched and also had a good chuckle at many of the messages. It’s such a lovely, uplifting and personal gift  xx

I had not heard of that before Bear fan what a great idea.

It was the star present and when my sister read out ‘chicken pie’ (things I love about you) we all fell about laughing - she makes the best chicken pie ever! 
She is opening one message a day - priceless.

Take care too KT x

• These are all amazing suggestions and I cannot think of anything else I just wanted to send my love to you all through this time. You're obviously a loving family and i hope the time you do have will be filled with precious memories. x

Hi, hope you don’t mind me butting in but it struck me how your experience was like mine. I was discovered to have stage4 kidney cancer by accident,when having an ultrasound of my liver done. Within a month I had a nephrectomy. After being visited on the HDU the day after my op by the anaesthetist, however, I knew there was a strong chance it would return, clear cell carcinoma doesn’t respond to traditional chemo/radiotherapy regimes. Sure enough, about two years later the little bugger reappeared, but this time in my lung. I had done a lot of research & said, “Well, that’s not going to be a good prognosis, is it?” My consultant agreed & reckoned 1-2yrs. He also transferred me to another consultant’s Renal Unit. There I was put on a drug called Tevozanib. Well, I got my 1x2yrs diagnosis close to Christmas and here I am, ready to celebrate my 5th year! Of course I’m not cured & the chemo has some pretty nasty side effects, but, according to a great friend (who’s eyesight is obviously fading,) I’m, “Way past my sell-by date, but still edible”  so congratulations to us on that front. My Mother now has both Alzheimer’s AND Vascular dementia, so we have the what gift dilemma too. I shan’t even see her, because both of us are classed as, “Clinically extremely vulnerable.” So still isolating.  Fortunately for me, Mum has an undying passion for an artisanal fudge & Turkish delight made in the Scottish Highlands, so I bought lots of it, & my brother & sister have hidden it in little caches around the house, teasing her that she’ll never find it all, whilst putting it where they know she will be certain to. She’s loving the game & her little triumphs when she finds one of the hidden bars. . I realise that this is not an answer for everyone. Steph74, Kim sorry for your dilemma. Last year I gave my old friend, who also knew that would be her last, a crocheted lap blanket I’d made. People thought I was mad, but she got it right away, it was an heirloom piece, & when she passed, it was left to her Grandaughter, who took it with her when she went off to University: she has vowed that she, in turn, will pass on Granny’s blanket to the next generation.  I really wouldn’t think along the lines of how long your Mum will be around to enjoy a gift, Steph, as long as she can enjoy it in the here & now, & maybe pass it on, like Margaret’s blankey. You as all in my prayers. God bless you.

How about something personal what reminds you both of each other, and preferably hand made that way more thought has gone into it, I remember why I was diagnosed myself I had already lost my sister with this and remembered me and my younger sister having certain toys..I had passed an antique shop with the shame 2 toys we had as children, I always said if it was my time, I wanted to remind her of our happy childhood together..sometimes something personal is all it takes to make someone feel extra special. Xx

You could buy her a star from the children they even tell you more information about it,x