First post here, hoping someone has had a similar experience or can offer advice or support.
My mum recently got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and my Dad isn't coping very well with the situation. He is a pessimist and not able to deal with his emotions, as a result his approach to "Supporting her" focuses purely on prevention of a terminal diagnosis, rather than the emotional support or other day to day tasks.
He is terrified of the possibility of her dying and is doing everything to try to control it, but as a result he is creating stress, a negative environment, daily arguments and making my mum feel upset and guilty for causing so much hassle by being ill. Ironically, his need to fix it, is making it worse.
He is obsessed with preventing infection, and with nutrition, but is unable to support her emotionally, and to be honest, physically. He is almost certainly suffering from depression or similar, and finds it difficult to complete day to day tasks, to remember things he needs to do, or to plan meals etc. He is fixated on statistics, the worst case scenarios, research and cancer prevention, lecturing her all the time about what she eats (Shes healthy already and her consultant agrees), and things she needs to be doing or else she won't recover.
She is such a positive person and has an amazing support system of friends and family, but his behavior is clearly dragging her down. She starts chemo in two days and I dread to think how this will affect her once she has the physical drain as well as the mental drain to deal with. As she currently feels fine (Caught early, no symptoms) it will also be a huge shock to her system as I don't think it has fully sunk in yet. I myself have suffered from chronic stress and I know the effects it can have on mental and physical health. I don't want her dealing with that on top of the physical strains of chemotherapy.
Me and my brother (both adults) are currently living at home and doing what we can to help, taking over with day to day tasks, meals, etc, but we also work from home and try as we might, we can't counteract the stress he causes with his constant negativity, or the things he says to her day to day.
My dad will not seek help - he believes that since counselling can't get rid of the cancer, it can't help him. He doesn't have his own support network, he doesn't really have any friends, and he is incapable of opening up about his emotions. He refuses that he has a problem but also thinks that his problems don't matter anyway because my mum's is more serious. The thing is, him getting support would actually be the best thing he could do for the family. We just don't know how to help him.
We are concerned about how he is affecting my mum but also how it will affect him if the worst happens.
How can i support my mum through this to keep her as stress free as possible? And how can I help my dad or counteract his behaviour?
Any words of support/ experiences welcome. Thank you
Hi and welcome to the online community although I'm very sorry that you've had to find us.
I don't have the experience you're after as I was the one with cancer but I thought I'd pop on and recommend that you also join and post in the family and friends group. It's a great place to share your feelings and get support from others who will understand what you and your family are going through.
If you'd like to do that just click on the link I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the page that opens. You can then copy and paste your post from here after selecting 'start a discussion' and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
Do you think you could get your dad to sit down with you and have a look through this information from Macmillan on emotional support for family members and also this on emotional support for carers?
He might also benefit from looking at this booklet on looking after someone with cancer which can be downloaded or sent away for.
When you have a minute, it would be really useful if you could pop something about your mum's journey so far into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
Sending a supportive ((hug))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
