Bit of help

Hi, and welcome to the online community and I do know that this is the last place you want to be visiting, but you've found us and felt you could reach out to us and we will do all we can to give you some help and support.

I see that youve joined the carers only group which is a very good place to have a chat or a rant, rave or let off steam.

I'm sorry to hear that your fiance has been diagnosed with melanoma and you might find it a help to join our Melanoma forum group and have a chat with some of the members unfortunately my friend latchbrook is off site for a few days but she'll be along very soon to give you her welcome, my other friend KTatHome might be about and they'll both be able to answer any questions you have.

I'm also sorry to hear about the problems you both are having unfortunately it's not your fiance who is it talking it's the cancer making her act the way she is, it is difficult to know when it is the right time to try and get close to her and give her comfort, you're are doing the right thing by taking a step back and cutting her some slack as long as she knows that when she needs you you'll be there for her but it is difficult when she is firing off hurtful comments and they are hard to take just keep believing that she doesn't mean the things she is saying and maybe in a few weeks you'll both be able to have a laugh about it but you just have to try and hang in there, the good times you had previously might just be round the corner.

It's worth mentioning to her medical team how she is they might be able to tweak her medication and the aggression will fade away.

There are many people on this site who have experienced the same as you and by reaching out to us they will share their experiences with you.

Ian

Hi , I’m sorry things are so tough for you and your fiancé at the moment. I’m making the assumption that the diagnosis is very new and that you are both trying to get your head around it. I feel is right when he says it’s the cancer that’s talking,   And we can all go through many different emotions on diagnosis. I myself was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma to abdominal and pelvic lymph nodes and my left ovary, my reaction at first was a sort of numbness not feeling any emotions. I’m expecting that at one stage as a couple you had a long talk that got you both closer together as a couple and fiancés. I found me and my husband needed the same kind of deep and meaningful talk a while after diagnosis, as I felt no emotions and showed no emotions and my husband was being the same not wanting to show any weakness, and I actually felt I needed him to show he was affected by things and in saying that it started my emotions coming out, and a determination to try and make the best of the little time I thought we had left together. 

I found approaching that talk very difficult but I found the Macmillan section on coping with emotions and talking about cancer really useful to read before I attempted the discussion. It showed we all have a set of emotions to go through there’s a section for patients and a section for carers I read both, had a long talk and we both had a big cry and a hug. I can’t say if the same will work well for you but I remember I used to get angry when he said things to the medical team before discussing them with me first, as loosing control and feeling was one of my flash points, either to bring on a sulk or to be angry. 

Talking to the medical team is a good idea, it’s unlikely that arguments are due to her medication, I’m assuming she’s on a targeted therapy or immunotherapy, (I’m on Pembrolizumab) but we all go through depression or anxiety at some stage, and unfortunately I had a friend who’s cancer spread to her brain and that changed her personality for a while as can steroids, which I needed to be on for a while before I was well enough for treatment.

Im glad you’ve joined the carers group as they will understand from a carers point of view and may have gone through this before. I found as I didn’t sleep very well at times I moved into a spare bedroom not permanently but to give both of us a few good nights of sleep a week. We still do that and it was a big change made partly because I wanted him to get used to me not always being there, and partly well lots of emotions came flooding in after my numbness of emotions. 

I hope you are able to work something out, I will put in the links I read below in case they help, you could consider a local support group or talking at a Maggies if you have one at your hospital. I am here to listen as well if you want to off load here or join the melanoma group. 

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/your-emotions/someone-close-has-cancer

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer

I found at a medical appointment I heard all the doom and gloom and my husband heard all the positive bits and with stage 4 and not knowing who the treatment will work for it’s a bit of a mind field, it was nice to know my husband could get me to hear the positive bits but that we could plan wills and power of attorney in case my treatment hadn’t worked. 

I’m so sorry that I have done most of the talking, so please get back to me if you think my experience might help, it would help me and any others talking to you if you put a bit in your profile, to look at mine just click on my user name. There’s another carers support group that I can’t tell if you are ready for it yet I’ve put the link in below for you to click on and look at. 

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/nearing_the_end/discussions

I hope the arguments come to an end soon, best wishes