Feeling so helpless....

Hi ,

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you and your partner find yourself in.  I'm not sure if I am the "right" person to be replying as I am the one with cancer in my relationship and fortunately suffer very little pain or discomfort.  I do know that the pain should be managed although it can take some time to find the combination that works for each individual.  A lot of painkillers can leave the person zoned out so they are pain free but cannot enjoy the things that they want to do but I would try to persuade your partner to contact his oncologist or cancer care nurse to look at his options to reduce his pain.  They may also be able to advise if there is anything that they can do to resolve his discomfort although you might actually get some more practical tips on the bowel cancer group.

I do believe that now is a real time of hope for people with cancer with so many new treatments being developed in so many different ways, biological therapies, immunotherapy and even virus based and individually targeted gene based treatments.  I think we all live in hope that our type of cancer will be the next one to have the big breakthrough.  There was a discussion in the media a couple of weeks ago saying that for many types of cancer they would soon be treating them as a chronic disease which may not be possible to cure yet but can be managed and held at bay.

Have you discussed your feelings with your GP?  It is often easy to focus on the person with cancer but when you are their partner the way you interact often changes because you don't want to burden them any more but your hopes and dreams are also affected and it is bound to be difficult to adjust.  I know some people see their GP about counselling although this can take some time to arrange.  You might want to try calling the Macmillan helpline on 0808 808 00 00, I have called them myself in the past and found them really supportive and I am sure they will be able to make some suggestions to help you.  

One of the things that helped me to move on and cope was having something to look forward to.  I appreciate that there may be some limits whilst he is awaiting surgery but things such as attending the theatre, sporting events, a day out at the coast or a visit to a nice town or friends lifts my spirits.  I am also well enough to enjoy going on holiday but insurance can be a whole new world of research.  I can however still enjoy trips in the UK without having to worry about this.

I try to be open with my wife about what I am feeling both physically and emotionally and one of the reasons is so that she doesn't try to treat me to something that I could not participate in.  Nothing to do with the cancer but I cannot walk as far as I used to so if we go into town I am much more likely to sit on a seat watching the world go by than go into the shops with her.  It is the same if we go to the beach, in the past we would go for a walk now I cannot walk as far we spend more time sitting looking at it.  It can be difficult but I have had to learn to adjust my expectations and focus on the things I can enjoy and not on what I have lost.

I hope that this helps but you might also want to try posting this on the carers group or the supporting someone with incurable cancer groups that I see you are a member of as well.  I am sure that others in these groups will have similar experiences to yourself and will be able to offer more suggestions and support than I can.

Wishing you both all the best,

Gragon xx

Hi Gregon,

Thankyou so much for your reply.

Yes,I do pay a visit to my GP regular, she is very good, must have very large shoulders I think!!!

I actually visited her today,it is my outlet really, though I always feel there are people who really need that appointment more than myself, as I'm not the one with the illness!

We do make plans to do nice things, we are off to the coast on Friday,and very like yourself, my partner is learning to adjust,he sits down for a rest when we come across a seat or bench,we also have more coffees these days... 

Still not managing to find my way around this site very well to be honest.

I am sure there is a way of re posting my email in other sections without re typing, but not sure how to... 

I know it's a bit daft but I'm not that up-to-date with technology!

Anyway,all the best to you and your wife Gragon.. We all must stay positive

Xx

Hi ,

I don't know what device you are using but if you can select and copy your text, open a new discussion in whichever group you want to post it in and you can then paste your text there.  If you can't work out how to do this you could e mail community@macmillan.org.uk and tell them what device you are using, laptop, ipad, phone etc they will explain to you how to do this or may even help you to do it.

It does take a while to get used to the site but don't hesitate to ask and there will always be someone who has an idea how to help you with it.  I spent a couple of days playing with the site when I first joined and I sometimes still can't remember where I need to go to find certain topics. 

Lots of people struggle with technology, I think I am quite good but my son who is 14 does things in a fraction of the time I take.  Having said that I am one of the stubborn people who does not use text speak or abbreviations in my text messages.  I was also with someone the other day and despite them having had a mobile phone for about ten years and a smart phone for the past two it was only when I showed them that they realised that there was a volume control on the side of the phone.  Every time they answered the phone they inadvertently pressed the bottom of the volume button as they held it and could not understand how they could never hear what the other person was saying.

I hope that you enjoy your trip to the coast this Friday.

All the best,

Gragon x

Hi Gregon,

Oh that's funny... BUT I still have an OLD mobile, just rings texts but does have a camera .

Oh and it's pay as you go!!!

However, I am actually updating it this next week... To a £7.50 a month contract phone... I hate technology, and you wouldn't believe I used to work computers all day every day,just got a bit lost, technology moves so quickly, unfortunately I don't!

I put an odd smiley,but then 2 appear and I can't delete... That's why you get SO many.

I will have a look at copying the message's,but had a busy day today, so will do it when I get a moment.

Thankyou for helping.

Looking forward. tomorrow... Really am,have to make the moist of our lovely weather.

Bye for now,and thanks again.

Take care. X