I lost my husband, partner and soul mate of 43 years on the 24/8/25. We were devastated to receive his diagnosis only 10 weeks ago - within days we went from living our normal life to my husband bec
ing so sick he was admitted to hospital - there was to be no treatment - the cancer had already spread too far. My husband was desperate to come home and I was desperate for this too. Although we hathose last few weeks together my husband suffered both physically and especially mentally and there was really nothing I could do to help him apart from be there and look after him. I felt every day woke up after the diagnosis I was already grieving his loss as he slowly slipped away from me. He told me he was glad we would still have some time together but watching this beautiful man slowly dng was heartbreaking. I lost both my parents in the last 12 months within a few weeks of each other - I felt a physical pain in my heart and the feeling of loss as the grief came in waves. However at has all paled into insignificance compared to this loss - i feel I am drowning in grief and it creeps up on me even when sleeping. The feelings of loss and emptiness are devastating and I cannot agine a future without my husband. I can't even begin to contemplate what it could look like - there is no one or nothing who could replace the intamcy between a husband and wife. Often just knowinghe other was there and not needing to constantly talk - it was like an unconscious connection which existed between us but the silence since he left is overwhelming. To say I am missing him is such understatement - I am heartbroken, devasted, lonely and alone and the pain is unbearable
I am about to hit 1 year without my beautiful Valen who was horrifically ripped from me on the day he was to start palliative chemo which was supposed to give us 3 to 6 months. We got 3 weeks 6 days from the terminal consultation.
Back in January I had 12 weeks of Art Therapy at The St Elizabeth Hospice arranged via my GP. To be honest I went with that as the waiting list was only 4 weeks as opposed to 18 weeks for conventional therapy.
I did find it useful as I was able to talk about what happened with the therapist. Something I was not, still cannot, talk about with family or friends.
It was face to face and very cathartic. It helped me to visualise Valen and myself as individuals, as a couple and as we are / are not now in an abstract way.
I was coping until 2 months ago when a series of every day stuff - house and car insurance etc that Valen always dealt with, blindsided me. Along with the 1 year date creeping nearer.
Then I spalled into huge panic and anxiety attacks, sleeping even less than the 4 hours I was getting. Becoming increasingly angry, shouty, sweary. So I talked to my GP again who put me on a waiting for PTSD / Traumatic Bereavement CBT (having the PTSD on my records helped).
I had my first of 12 fortnightly sessions on Monday.
The therapist warned me it is going to be really very hard. He used the word “distressing”.
We will be going over Valen’s passing - from his first diagnosis, treatment, all clear, “no, it’s back you’ve got 3 to 6 months”, the horrific way he went, funeral up to now.
He said we will be going over it all in minute detail. Recalling, analysing, discussing it all. Dismissing hypertheticals, recognising each event. Integrating each event, and the biggy of his passing into my everyday life.
He said I will be exhausted, drained and confused by the first couple of sessions before I get used to what we are doing. Before my brain starts to allow me to properly address my loss.
The next session, the first proper regression session, will be whilst I’m in Wales, the week of his passing. So I will be with my loving, caring brother and sister in law to help me through it.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Sorry for the long post 
