Hi I have a brother in law who has just been given 12 months to live I see him as a brother how do I go about helping him be comfortable and help my sister to his wife we as a family are so broken right now and I feel so lost myself mentally the thought of loosing him hurts so much.
Hi Kitkat234
Thanks for getting in touch with Macmillan Cancer Support. I’m Linda, one of the nurses from our support line.
This sounds like such an upsetting time for you all. It’s only natural that the thought of losing your brother-in-law hurts, it sounds as if you have such a close relationship with him, and your sister.
Finding out that someone you love has a shortened life expectancy can be hard to hear and this can open up a lot of emotions, especially when this has just been disclosed. For most, with a little time, though they don’t go away, emotions tend to get easier to manage.
And at this point it allows us to think about the support we can offer, and the best ways we can be there for our family.
Many people tell us the best approach is to have an open conversation about the support that is needed. Having chat about this can allow you to understand your sister and brother-in-law’s needs and boundaries. And it can give you the opportunity to realistically look at what you are able to offer.
Remember, as well as supporting your sister and brother-in-law there may be important areas of your own life that need your attention too. Sometimes we have to draw our own boundaries. There may be things we can’t commit to, not because we don’t want to, more so because practically aren’t able to do so.
These conversations can be tough, but they can also be worthwhile. They can help to reduce the risk of second guessing one another’s needs and also reduce the potential of unintentional distress.
To help we have this guide, How to talk to someone with cancer.
Practical support can sometimes be the main focus. This might be assisting with shopping, ironing, general household help or offering to be the driver. It can take some of the pressure from your sister and help you feel as if you are doing something to support her and your brother-in-law.
For others it can be providing emotional support, where you are there to offer an ear and let them talk about how they feel. You don’t need to be an expert or have specialist training to do this. Many people don’t look for answers to questions, mostly they feel the need to be listened too. Where professional support is needed this can often be arranged by the GP, hospital or palliative care teams.
I wonder if you would consider calling us. Due to the nature of our forums being open for other to read some topics are better addressed on a one-to-one basis. If you are able to call we can ask a little more and look at how we can support you and discuss what further guidance we can offer you.
Take care for now.
Linda, Cancer Information Nurse Specialist
You can also speak with the Macmillan Support Line team of experts. Phone free on 0808 808 0000 (7 days a week, 8am-8pm) or send us an email.
Ref: LM/LR
