Husband has declined treatment

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Hi. My 81 year old husband has been diagnosed with T3 N0 M0 prostate cancer on MRI. He had a bone scan which was clear. He drvlined biopsy as says it wouldnt change his decision. His Urologist recommended HT and RT but my husband has declined. He is very fit, has zero symptoms. He has a complicated medical history major RTA and head injury with very long rehab (4 years ago) followed shortly afterwards by tonsil cancer, now in remission after RT. He feels he has had enough of hospitals and just wants to enjoy his remaining years without medical intervention. He has agreed to 6 monthly PSAs ( currently 17 and increasing by about 4 a year) and if the PSA suddenly spikes or reaches 40, the Consultant will put him on HT. Whilst I support his decision, I am in constant dread every time he has a pain or problem, constantly thinking the cancer is spreading. He won't discuss it, but is adamant he won't change his mind. Right now we are carrying on as normal, cramming in as much as we can, and he has not developed any new symptoms. How can I get over this constant worrying? We have good support from family, but I don't want t burden them with my worries. I would add he is still having check ups for the tonsil cancer every 3 months - which is also stressful, and he has some residual problems from the facial reconstruction after the RTA, eg no smell or taste. Any advice welcome!

Helen M - Macmillan over 3 years ago

Hello madaboutmutts,

My name is Helen, I’m one of the Cancer Information Nurses on the Macmillan Support Line. Thank you for getting in touch on our Online Community, I hope you are finding it a supportive and helpful service.

I was sorry to read what a tough time your husband and you have had over the last few years with what sounds like a nasty accident, as well as two different cancer diagnoses.

I can understand why he might choose to decline treatment at the moment if he is well and has no symptoms – preferring to enjoy his current quality of life. You have said that you understand and support him in this, nevertheless it leaves you in a heightened state of anxiety, which of course impacts your own quality of life.

Uncertainty can be one of the hardest feelings to deal with. Feeling that we have some control over our lives makes us feel secure, allowing us to enjoy the things we do and make plans for the future. But I can see that you don’t have that sense of security, and this makes you feel uncertain about what will happen.

One way to manage your anxiety might be to understand what symptoms your husband might experience. This might mean you aren’t placed on hyper-alert with all and any changes you note. Does your husband have a prostate cancer nurse specialist at the hospital? Might your husband give his consent for you to have a chat with them about what you might look out for and expect?

Prostate Cancer UK has some very helpful information about being the partner of a someone with a prostate cancer – I am hoping the link opens to the section titled Looking after yourself, which touches on uncertainty, and also ways to look after your own physical and mental health.

I can imagine that you may have quite conflicted feelings around your husband’s decision – you might even feel angry with him, despite understanding his reasons. These are uncomfortable emotions and ones that can leave us feeling ashamed. In addition, if your husband prefers not to talk about the situation, you may feel quite isolated with your feelings.

I wonder if you would consider seeking some professional help, such as a counsellor? It seems very important to be able to talk through your feelings, and also to discuss a strategy to help you deal with the uncertainty around your husband’s health. You can refer yourself for counselling on the NHS. If there is a waiting list, you might opt to see a private counsellor.

Every Mind Matters has some practical tips on dealing with anxiety and you are most welcome to contact our support line to speak to the emotional support advisors. The Macmillan Support Line offers practical, clinical, financial and emotional support. You can call us free from landlines and from most mobile phone networks* on 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week, 8am – 8pm.

I hope this information is useful. Please don’t hesitate to get back in contact by email, webchat or phone, if you need further information or support.

Best wishes, Helen

Cancer Information Nurse Specialist

Ref HM/AP

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Husband has declined treatment