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My partner is having trouble dealing with my condidition

Axel
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My partner lost her husband to lung cancer after the lock down whilst on holiday in Spain. The whole experience left her very traumatised, and I would even go as far as saying she has PTSD.

In 1998 I had a what I believed was a Lipoma removed from under my left armpit which then grew back and had to be removed again in 2008, 2016, 2020 and again in January this year.

Up until now I lived in ignorant bliss thinking this was merely a benign tumour that needed to be removed every few years, but it turns out it is in fact a Liposarcoma that has now dedifferentiated into a harder and more aggressive mass.

I have now been referred to Oncology and to undergo 6 weeks of radiotherapy and 6 monthly MRI scans to monitor the sarcoma.

I personally feel positive about this treatment being successful but, this has severely triggered my partner who feels she cannot go through this again.

I do not want to put her through this but at the same time it's totally out of my control.

Whilst I believe she loves me and I truly love her, there's just about not intimacy and she rarely touches me at all.

I feel like there's nothing I can do and any way I turn is wrong.

If I stay, I could potentially make her experience losing another partner and sometimes I feel that it would be best for me to split up with her to avoid this but this would break both our hearts.

any advice???? 

  • Dear  ,

    Thank you for contacting us. I'm really sorry to hear that what you thought was a benign tumour has now been diagnosed as a liposarcoma. I’m also very sorry to hear of the trauma your partner has suffered due to the loss of her husband to cancer, that must have been just awful for her, especially whilst being in Spain so I can only imagine how she must be feeling now given your diagnosis. This sounds like a very difficult situation for you both Axel, and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.I'm glad you know we are here for support though.

    People can react very differently when a cancer diagnosis is confirmed, especially when the fear and anxiety of the unknown can become overwhelming. This can often be the case for the patient and the loved ones of someone with cancer and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this - our booklet Cancer and Relationships discusses this in more detail.

    May I ask if you’ve tried to talk to your partner about how you are feeling Axel? I know this can be difficult to do though so sometimes people find it can be easier to write things down or compose an email or a text detailing how they’re feeling, as sometimes finding the right words during a conversation can be difficult – I wonder if this approach may be helpful?

    It's great to hear that you are feeling positive about your treatment and you are so correct when you say that this situation is outwith your control. I can hear the love you have for your partner, but also the sadness you feel with the lack of intimacy and concern for your relationship just now. 

    Given the past history your partner has with losing her husband to cancer, I do wonder if you may be correct in thinking she could have PTSD from this harrowing experience, especially with how she has reacted to the news of your diagnosis. I therefore wonder if she has ever reached out for support and counselling to discuss what she’s been through and the lasting impact this has had? If not, then she may want to have a conversation with her GP who can then make referrals for the most appropriate psychological support based on her needs.

    And if you feel you perhaps would benefit from further support in a face to face or support group setting with others who've perhaps had a similar experience, you can find your local cancer information and support centre by putting your postcode into our website via the link below:

    In your Area

    I really hope this information is helpful  . Please do get back in touch whenever you need to, you'll find our Support line telephone number below if you ever need to talk things through.

    Take care,

    Marie, Information and Support Adviser

    Remember you can also speak with the Macmillan Support Line team of experts. Phone free on 0808 808 0000 (7 days a week, 8am-8pm) or by email.

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  • in reply to Marie S - Cancer Support Advisor

    Hi Marie,

    Thanks for your kind words. 

    My partner is starting therapy / counselling on Friday this week so hopefully that will help her more. 

    From when her husband was diagnosed to when he passed away was from February to August and I was "Diagnosed" also in February.

    She told me that as soon as she found out that he had terminal cancer that she started grieving then and started to emotionally distance herself so as to protect herself.

    We are both 59 this year and we have so many things we still want to do together, I'm not ready to give up just yet.

    From what I understand, I'm nowhere near being diagnosed with terminal cancer, I've been told it's stage 3 Sarcoma and again from what I understand, this is still in a manageable stage and that the radiotherapy will help slow the regrowth and with a bit of luck, stop it completely. However, until I have had my therapy and an MRI scan 6 months later, we need to live with the anxiety of the unknown.

    My problem is that no matter what I say or do, I cannot convince her that things will be alright but I need to stay 100% positive.

    I have two adult children who love me and I love them but I do not want to lumber them with this without knowing all the facts.

    I know there are no definite answers and no guarantees but I don't really have anyone to talk with about this and you know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved so thank you for listening. :-)

    Thanks again.

    Axel

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