11 years on and feeling it all over again

Dear thisistoto,

My name is Marie, and I’m a Cancer Information and Support Adviser here at Macmillan.

I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling at the moment, it sounds like you've dealt with your experience so well for such a long time it's understandable that these feelings will have taken you by surprise. To hear you describe it as a 'new wave of grief' is so powerful, and quite often this is exactly what others in your situation describe this as too.

However it does sound like you have a great sense of self awareness thisistoto, as you recognise where these feelings may be stemming from. To go through the rollercoaster of having a cancer diagnosis, then treatment and the subsequent effects such as pre-mature menopause at such a young age is a lot for anyone to deal with, and quite often unresolved trauma can then manifest itself, sometimes years later, in the way you describe.

It's great to hear you feel you've grown emotionally and spiritually however I wonder if perhaps there is something that has happened which may have triggered these feelings, even subconsciously? Things like music you may have listened to during treatment or even storylines on tv programmes can trigger feelings and emotions that you may have thought you'd dealt with at the time, and only when these feelings re-surface is when you realise that you may still have some unresolved trauma from your experience. I’m very glad you’ve taken the first step and reached out for some support from us as we’d like to help you as much as we can.

I’ve popped a link to some of our booklets below which talk about the emotional impacts of cancer. It also starts to discuss ways to cope with these feelings, and different support options:

How Are You Feeling? The Emotional Effects of Cancer

Your feelings after cancer treatment

Hopefully that will provide you with some reassurances, as well as further information. It might also help you to think about what the next steps might be for you.

I also wonder if you've considered speaking with your GP to discuss the way you’re feeling just now? It can be a really valuable conversation to have, as they may be able to support you in different ways and help you to access other services, such as counselling, too. It’s also important they are aware of your situation so they can support you in the right way. 

You mention no one understands and that this is very isolating so please know that as well as peer support here on the Online Community, you can also find local support centres which offer an opportunity to speak with someone face to face and access specific services which may also help.

I hope that’s given you a few avenues to think about and explore, but please do get back in touch with us if you have further questions, or if you just need a listening ear. We’re here for you.

Take care,