Understanding and helping my brother from lashing out after his stage 4 diagnosis

Hello Philip and thank you for contacting the online community.

I’m sorry to hear about your brother’s diagnosis and that he’s lashing out at your parents. I appreciate this must be difficult for everyone involved.

It might be that he’s angry about his cancer but finds it hard to put into words. It’s difficult to know this if he’s not really talking about how he’s feeling though. Even if this is the case, it can’t be easy for your parents to deal with this on a daily basis, especially as they’re living with him.

The following is taken from our publication Talking with someone who has cancer.

Responding to anger.

Be ready to let go of smaller arguments and try to be understanding and supportive.

If your relative or friend is irritable or critical, try not to take it personally. Remember these are common reactions to being diagnosed with cancer. If you feel upset or angry, give yourself time to calm down before you respond.

After a disagreement, find a time when you are both calm to talk about what happened and how you both feel. Instead of saying, ‘You always criticise me’ or ‘You make me feel sad’, try to say something like, ‘I felt upset when we disagreed today. Can we work this out together?’

In most disagreements, both people have some responsibility. Listen to what your relative or friend tells you. Ask yourself, ‘Do they have a point?’ and ‘Could I do anything differently?’ Talk about what both of you could change to make things work better.

Try to resolve the disagreement by the end of your talk. A hug or a kind word can help resolve the disagreement and make you feel closer. But this does not mean you should put up with an abusive relationship. If your relative or friend is being verbally or physically abusive, ask someone you trust for help.

Here are some tips on coping with anger:

• Try not to take it personally. Remind yourself they may be upset because of the cancer, rather than with you.
• Find a time when you are both calm to talk about it.
• Look for solutions you can both agree on.
• Get support for yourself from someone outside of the relationship, such as a friend or counsellor.

You and your family might find the following helpful too.

How are you feeling? The emotional effects of cancer

Cancer and relationships

We also have a number of forums within our online community including ones for family and friends and different cancer types.

Has your brother spoken to anyone outside the family about what he’s going through just now Philip? It can sometimes help to talk to someone you don’t know, and this is one of the reason’s we’re here. He’d be more than welcome to contact our support line and talk about how he’s feeling. We also have a team of Cancer Specialist Nurses here if he has any clinical questions he’d like to ask. (The same goes for you, your other brother and parents of course.)

You can call in on 0808 808 00 00 (7 days a week, 8am – 8pm), web chat or email if you’d prefer.

I hope this has been helpful Philip, do come back to us if there’s anything else we can help you with.

Thank you so much for the advice and support I really appreciate it.

Take care Philip