Supporting a supporting person !

Hi Exeldama

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s diagnosis and all that she has been coping with over so many years. I can’t even imagine how it must feel going through treatment and also supporting her mum with terminal cancer, without her mum knowing about her own diagnosis, and with the loss of her son so recently, too.

It’s great that she has you as a friend and that you have knowledge of mental health and can keep watch on how she is doing.

It sounds as though your friend is dealing with all the care for her mum on her own, with no help from siblings.  Does she have any other support? Does her mum have palliative care visits?  Does she have carers coming in to help with anything?  If not, it might be an idea for her to speak to her mum’s GP to make referrals. She could also contact the local adult social services team for an assessment of both her mum’s needs and her own as the carer.  She can find her local team by inputting her postcode to Advicelocal.  Those things may help physically and practically to share the load.

Is your friend talking to anyone?  If not, a first option might be to encourage her to contact the Macmillan support line team on 0808 808 0000.  We can provide emotional support and listen, answer practical questions and we also have nurses for medical queries.  Our money advice team can also find out whether there’s any further financial support either of them are eligible for.

It may also be worth her speaking to her GP or hospital team about any counselling or other talking therapy they could put her forward for. I also wonder if she has had the time to deal with her bereavement of her son and the fact that her mum is terminally ill.  A resource that may be helpful is Cruse Bereavement Support. Their website has sections on losing a child, losing someone to cancer and anticipatory grief which may be relevant to some of the feelings she is experiencing.

Please do also make sure that your friend has the number for Samaritans – 116 123 – so that she can call them any time to talk about how she is feeling.

It’s great you got in touch to ask this question, and I hope this answer is helpful.  As you’re supporting your friend, it’s important for you to get some support, too, so do keep in touch with Macmillan.