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Dad's last days. I'm struggling.

Aliavb16
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My Dad has been battling cancer on and off for the last 10 years. He had a terminal diagnosis 2 years ago, but has fought and fought every day. He tool a turn for the worst last June where he developed a nasty infection. He was in hospital for 10 weeks and hasn't been mobile at all since. He's in a bed downstairs at home (he lives with his partner who is a retired District Nurse). Last week he started becoming confused and since Wednesday, hasn't been able to use his phone. He sleeps all day and night, if he does wake, he's confused, finds it difficult to talk and is very hard to understand. Yesterday he didn't eat and drank very little, he is passing very little urine and is very very weak. I feel this is it now and even though I knew it was coming, I'm an absolute mess. After seeing him last night, (and I know this makes me sound awful) I don't want to see him getting any worse as it's breaking me. He has no quality of life at all, it all skin and bones and he just looks so sad. I don't think he knew I was there last night, he was almost looking through me. I feel like I should know what to do, but I don't. I was going to work to distract myself, but I was about to leave and I felt so sick. I haven't eaten or slept for days and I just don't know what to do. 

  • Hello Aliavb16 and thank you for contacting the Online Community.

    I’m so very sorry to hear about your dad, it’s understandable that you’re struggling with the physical changes you can see in him. Nothing that you’ve said makes you sound awful though, it’s quite common to feel the way you do and it’s good that you’re being honest about how you’re feeling.

    Why should you know what to do Aliavb16? Watching someone you love at the end of their life isn’t something you can really prepare for. You don’t know how you’ll react until the time comes and anything that you feel is completely justified. Try not to beat yourself up about how you’re feeling and show yourself compassion.

    Do you have much support around you just now, people you can sit with and cry, talk to about how you’re feeling? If you don’t or feel that you can’t talk to the people close to you then please remember you can speak to us here on our support line. Being able to talk about what is happening and your feelings can help to make sense of them.

    You mentioned that your dad’s partner is a retired District Nurse, but if you have any clinical questions you’d like to ask about the changes you see, you’d be more than welcome to speak to one of our Cancer Specialist Nurses on our support line. You might also find our publication A guide for the end of life helpful, and our Online Community Forum Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum is for carers, friends and families of people with a terminal diagnosis to discuss their emotions about the prospect of losing their loved ones, as well as practical issues about palliative care and end of life.

    Take care Aliavb16 and please stay in touch if there’s anything else we can help you with. You can call in on 0808 808 00 00 (7 days a week, 8am – 8pm), web chat or email if you’d prefer.

    Alex, Information and Support Adviser

    Remember you can also speak with the Macmillan Support Line team of experts. Phone free on 0808 808 0000 (7 days a week, 8am-8pm) or by email.

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