Hello,
mum has terminal bowel cancer (surgery resulted in colostomy), lung and liver mets now with biliary obstruction - not appropriate for any intervention and not well enough for more chemo.
when mum was diagnosed in June she couldn’t deal with any of it. I’m a nurse and my mum asked me to “deal with it all”. Things have changed rapidly within the last month. Her fatigue is horrendous, despite dexamethasone. All of a sudden she’s told me I’m taking over (I have no other family) and she has no independence. I’ve had to stop work to care for her again - I’ll soon be without income. I have a partner, but we have a young family. Mum lives an hour away (rural) and I’m trying to be there as much as I can - I don’t have any childcare for little one, school mums have helped out a short notice. My partner is in agriculture and bills need paid.
Mum is unable to manage her meds or stoma and there have been a few accidents. My dad (divorced from mum) is helping and staying over night but we’re both being treated really badly by mum. Dad isn’t coping. I’m sat in tears knowing that if dad decides he can’t be at her home with her then things will deteriorate drastically and I have no idea how to manage that. Mum thinks that she can manage on her own. The reality is very different.
mum has been in denial around her diagnosis for a long time. In hospital we were told mum might have a good few weeks, maybe months. Some of the medication has helped. Between dad and I we are attending to all her needs - food/drink domestic chores, caring for her dog, dad administers meds when I’m not there, otherwise mum won’t take them or take them reliably.
Mum has a car which she wants to get out and drive. She’s so determined that she would try. I have said that I didn’t think she was safe. I worry about taking her keys away but wouldn’t forgive myself if she caused an accident and hurt herself, worse still someone else. She’s told me I’m taking away her independence. What can I do? I don’t want to be the one that tells her she has lost something else! In December the oncologist was surprised to hear that she had been driving intermittently and advised not to if she felt tired - she did it anyway!
mum has friends, but they haven’t been supportive - more of the fair weather type. mum had a job in the beauty industry and had a client group that she would see at home. She blames me for having no clients now, she hasn’t been well enough to do more than shower once or twice a week.
she doesn’t want carers. Our GP is lovely and offers support but mum doesn’t want to talk or see any healthcare providers. She speaks with a community chaplain once a week.
before mums diagnosis we weren’t on very good terms.
ive always asked mum to tell me if I’ve overstepped - with medications, speaking to doctors etc and she has always said that everything is fine and I’ve always asked if she would like me to leave the room, or talk on her own before appointments and during them.
mum has had intermittent episodes of agitation and confusion - often because of analgesics.
I feel like I’m spinning plates and they’re all wobbling. I don’t know what advice you can offer me. I feel like I’ve been so anxious the last few weeks and it’s getting worse. I’m so frightened of upsetting mum. I have an awful feeling that we are going to fall out, and this isn’t how I want what’s left of our short time to be.
