It is hard to describe and put into words the loss I feel by the passing of my wonderful wife on November 2nd- we had been together 25 years. 19 years married. From our marriage we had 2 beautiful girls now aged 17 and another aged 14. I am upset at how sudden the death was in the end feeling robbed of another day, another hour, another moment with my precious wife. Although fighting a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer valiantly from 3 years ago I was still not prepared for her passing. Perhaps I just did not accept that she was dying next to me and perhaps she needed the space to “let go” but I feel guilty at not having hugged her one last time and having had more time generally despite having spent time with her at every opportunity for the previous 3 years. Our children miss her all the time and i find it difficult to cope with their grief while coping with my own.She spent her last few hours after having been transferred to a hospice clinging onto life I’m sure to be with us as long as humanly possible. I have great memories however struggle with the loneliness having been with her every day for the past 2.5 years after I stopped working - I would only go in to work around once or twice a month being self employed to keep the business open because I thought one day I may need this work back to return to some sense of normality. Now that my wife has passed away I can’t seem to find the strength to get back to normal life and am struggling to understand what the new normal is. The children have returned to school following her funeral which took place a week after her passing in a hospice she was in just over half a day after she’d arrived. I got angry inside me when the nurse at the hospital said to her that she had to let go and my wife had agreed. I wasn’t ready to accept it. I was queuing messages to family and friends to advise them of the move to the hospice so that it wouldn’t be a shock to them and to arrange the next day of visits when my wife’s breathing had suddenly become more stressed. Having spent the previous 3 nights sleeping cuddling, stroking her, holding her hands with me being in the day bed next to her overnight the whole while at her side in hospital, I felt upset and distressed that during her final hours I hadn’t though I should be grateful while in the hospice I was in a hospital bed at her side with the children thankfully asleep in the same room the last night I had repositioned her with the help of a nurse and placed a rebreathing oxygen mask compared to a smaller oxygen mask she had been given to make things more comfortable for her from the hospital when I had initially realised she was stressed and the nurse was due to return again but as her breathing relaxed I heard her breathing stop - the shock of seeing her head slumped to the side with the mask not inflating was dreadful. I called the nurses who asked me to wake the children and I held the hand of my wife as her breathing and pulse slowed and she turned her head towards the children blinking as we cried how much we loved her. The guilt I feel at not having held her more in those final hours is immense. The children have times when they are very quiet and teary and although I do my best to cuddle and console them I worry for them. At the same time my grief makes me numb and overtakes my ability to feel much other than sadness and loneliness. We are grateful to have had her for so much time but the pain i feel is huge. I still wake every night at the time of her passing over 2 weeks ago and my youngest daughter is still sleeping in my bed alongside me. The eldest is more quiet and sleeps in her bedroom but goes through quiet reflective phases and merrs with a friend from time to time and appears to be coping better though I still worry about her as well. Grief has left a huge hole in me and our daughters. I pray that the grief will pass but struggle so much to come to terms with the loss of my wonderful wife and mother to our children. I have been visiting her grave every day and worry that I will miss a day. I also worry the effect my grief will have on the children so try to hide some of my own grief at times. I pray for peace and some relief from grief following this terrible loss
