My mom in my home country has a cancer

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Hello.

I am a 31-year-old woman who has just started my master's degree in the UK. I came here since I may need someone to talk with, but I don't know how I can find the right person.

This August, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She is probably in stage 2. She is now on her 2nd chemotherapy. After she has enough chemotherapy, she will have surgery and will start chemo again to prevent the cancer recurring.

Before I heard this, I was thinking about living in the UK or Europe for many years and finding a career path here. My goal for studying abroad was to find a job after studying in the UK. I was excited and motivated.

However, after she was diagnosed, I felt like I was doing wrong. I already paid bloody expensive tuition for an international student so I definitely will finish studying here, but after studying, I feel like I should go back to my country and support her. But if I go back to my home, I will not go back to the UK. It is too far and takes too much cost and time if I move from country to country.

So if I go back there in the future, it sounds like I came here at the wrong time. Also, I strongly feel responsibility to get married and have a child for my mom. I did not expect that I was going to feel like this. But now, I think if I do not take this action, I will regret it in the future. I know that she wants me to go to the next stage of my life. She never suggests me but I feel it. My body is mine. My life is mine, so I should just do what I want to do. I know this feeling comes from social pressure, but I also know that this is a better plan for me. I am so scared to regret it after I lose her, which I do not want to think about, but reality might be tough.

I wish I could be pregnant and have a child so easily. But I have to find someone who is in a serious relationship. Also, it takes time to give a birth. Then when am I going to find a job, and then where am I going to live after the UK?

This idea stays in my head, and it disturbs me to focus on the present, like studying and dating.

I have a sister in my home country, but she was disconnected from the whole family about several years ago because of depression. She knows about our mom, but she does not come back to my hometown and say hi to my parents. This is also another reason that I feel responsibility as a child.

I wish I could talk with someone who has a similar situation or had the same experience. Please give me some tips.

Thank you very much. 

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    I am so sorry to hear about your Mom’s diagnosis, it must be such a difficult time to be apart from her.  May I take a moment to ask, how are you both at the moment? 

    I can see from your message that you had a plan in place for your future, and your Mom’s diagnosis has needed for you to recheck your plan, and has put lots of doubts in your mind.  Of course this is perfectly natural and understandable, but that doesn’t mean changing your plan and your wishes is easy.  May I ask, what would your Mom like you to do?  Have you had the opportunity to have a discussion with her? 

      , I can completely see the dilemma you have: you mention talking to someone in the same situation:  this sounds a very good idea.  The Online Community is an option for you, and I am wondering if you have had the chance to visit our Family and Friends Forum.  By joining this forum, you may share your thoughts with other patients and their families, for their experiences and opinions.

    If you feel you would like support, in a little more formal way, Relate is considered “the most trusted provider of relationship support” by this Relate means a range of different types of relationship including family and friends.  Perhaps have a look at the link at see if it “sits well” with you?  My understanding is there is a charge for this service, but you may like to explore that with them.

    Relate

    Just thinking of support for your Mom, you mention your sister, who perhaps is not able to see Mom so often, but you also mention your “whole family”  I am wondering if your Mom has a other family nearby who are supporting her?

    With you in the UK, perhaps having a little extra support for your Mom may be reassuring for you: you may find the link below helpful, in terms of support for cancer patients in other countries.  As you open the link there are two other links in pink font: perhaps see if they offer options for your home country.

    Cancer Research UK overseas cancer organisations

    Your Mom may also like to reach out to us for emotional support, within the UK hours 8am to 8pm.  The link below has the phone number from outside of the UK (which will be chargeable) or there is a live webchat option (also for 8am to 8pm UK time)  We are unable to advise her on healthcare systems overseas, but, we can provide her with a safe place to share her thoughts and feelings. 

    Indeed you are also welcome to contact the Support Line, and allow the team to chat with you, alongside getting support from this Communiy.

    Macmillan Support Line Options

    I wish you all the very best moving forward.  If we can help further, don't hesitate to get in touch.

    Best wishes

    Liz

    Macmillan Cancer Information and Support Advisor