Partner in remission NHL, his alter ego “Susie” is becoming an issue.

Hi Mybow ,

It sounds like you have been going through a difficult time recently with not only your partner's diagnosis but also your own. So it's understandable to want to feel supported by your partner when you really need it.

Other than your diagnosis it does sounds like you perhaps have some concens about your relationship and how Pete has been offering this support. You mention something happened last night which has made you feel even more strongly about it all, do you feel that it's something that has only become more common since his subsequent all-clear, along with 'Susie' who you mention?

It sounds like something that perhaps Relate could help with. They are a network of local counsellors who specialise in things like realtionship and family counselling, to help improve people's relationships. They have a wealth of relationship advice and guidance on their website, and also offer counselling over phone, web chat and face to face.

You may also find it helpful to talk to your GP to see if they are able to offer any in-house support or guidance on local services who may also be able to help support you and your relationship. You mention Pete also supports you with your Paramyotonia Congenita, do you feel that you may need to look elsewhere for physical and personal care support if you may need it? If so we'd be happy to find the details for the local social care teams who can provide a 'needs assessment' if you would like us to. Alternatively, you can also find out this information by searching here.

I will also include here the link to our Macmillan booklets that you and your partner may find useful to help understand how the other is feeling, about the emotional effects of cancer, along with a link here to the our booklet on Cancer and Relationships. They can be downloaded or also ordered online or through ourselves on the support team. I hope these are able to help and you're able to come up with a plan to help move forwards with things together, Mybow .

Rebecca, Information and Support Adviser
Remember you can also speak with the Macmillan Support Line team of experts. Phone free on 0808 808 0000 (7 days a week, 8am-8pm) or by email

Thank you so much for your reply. I felt better when I’d written it down. 
I think Relate is a good idea, so thank you for the suggestion.

Paramyotonia is such a rare congenital condition, and only in the last 5 years has it had a negative impact on my life.  I have yet to meet a medical person who hasn’t, either surreptitiously or blatantly, had to Google it, so there is nothing anyone can do. I applied for and was awarded attendance allowance earlier this year which has meant I can employ a cleaner. Less stress now.

Part of me understands why Pete is like this, cancer is a scary thing and however you want to live your life you should be able to. If he wants to live as woman all the time he should do, BUT not expect me to give up my life to enable his. 

Sorry to go on, it’s just knowing that I can talk to someone that has opened the floodgates!

Thanks again for the advice x

I went to the Relate site, but sadly I can’t afford £45 a message via email!!

Hello Mybow and thank you for your reply to Rebecca’s post, I’m glad that writing things down has helped in some way.

Have you looked to see if there are any support groups/organisations who offer help to those whose partners cross-dress? We’re here for your emotional support of course but a more specialised kind of support might be useful too.

Our Friends and Family forum is a space where you can talk to others who are going through something similar Mybow and of course we’re here to support you emotionally with the cancer side of things and how it might have affected your relationship.

Social Services can assess what support might be available to you with regards to your diagnosis of Paramyotonia too, whether it’s equipment like a walking frame or changes to your home such as a walk-in shower. This might also help facilitate the conversation around what you need and what Pete feels he can provide.

Please come back to us if there’s anything else we can help you with at all Mybow.

Take care.

Thank you. 

We have started communicating, we don’t want to throw away a 25 year relationship because that would mean cancer had beaten us. So I’m very grateful for Macmillan for being there for us and making us stop and think.