I'm not sure what to do now.

Oh Vikki, you are so right... this crap is never easy...

 I don't really have a lot of advice on this one. My dad died very young but my mum hated him so not a lot of competition there on the who is more upset stakes (I won that one hands down!)  and then she died so never had this situation myself...  I guess your mum is devastated and doesn't know how to handle it and she sees you going to work etc and thinks it must be easier for you somehow... I imagine if you burst into tears on her and said how much you missed him, she would do what mums do naturally... not that I am suggesting that as a tactic!

My mum was a tricky customer at times and I got an awful lot of the 'what about me eh? I've got it much worse than anyone else' sometimes I had to just back down, take a deep breath and jump in first and give her bucket loads of sympathy and say poor you etc and then she felt recognised and more able to be positive and support others. Might work...?

I have found with people like that, if you give them so so  much sympathy, they can then be allowed to put on a brave face and say, well of course its bad for you too etc...  Might be worth taking a deep breath and trying? (we know and you know how you feel and how it is really)

Bit like my man with his man flu... If I get cross and say my cold is as bad, it doesn't work. If I ladle the poor you on with a trowel then he starts to say Oh but you are feeling bad too...

A big hug to you and cancer and grief are both very cruel things. So hang on in there. You are doing ok

Little Myxxx

Dear Vikki

I'm so sorry you have lost your father and your mother seems self obsessed.  The way she sees it is that you have your life to look foirward to but hers is over, especially if she loved your father.  They would have been looking forward to growing old together. Now she will be alone. I suspect she is looking for assurance that you will be around sometimes to keep her company and I suspect if you can tell her you will be there she will encourage you to move forward with your life and be a great support if she feels included.

I lost my father when I was 17 and know as well as anyone that you only get one father and not a day goes by when I dont think of him but now I am 61 and in fear of losing my husband it is a far more terrifying prospect.  Please be kind to your mother.  You do have youth and resilience on your side and she needs you more than ever.

Wishing you and the family strength and love and unity

Sue x

Hi Vikki, I know exactly where you're coming from. I lost my dad last year only 8 weeks after diagnosis also. My dad was my very best friend and we were so close. Mum seem to go on a party spree, out 7 days and nights a week telling everyone she was having the best time of her life. We interred dad's ashes 3 months after his funeral and she wanted us all to go to the local club with her that night. I told her I couldn't go there as it was too painful as her and dad had gone there every weekend for 30 years or more. She went out that night, leaving us all in her house and told me it was time I got over it! To say I was shocked is an understatement. Then, just about the first anniversary of dad's death she dropped the bombshell that she was seeing someone else. I let rip then I'll tell you. I remember telling her that the only surprise for me was that it took her so long and that is the truth because all she kept 'joking' about was getting a boyfriend. Not funny!

Now, 18 months down the line she has stopped drinking as much and the reality of the situation is kicking in and she is on the phone crying all the time about how much she is missing dad and talking about him all the time. I feel in a difficult situation now. I feel that I should be comforting mum, but she was never there for any of us while we were going through the really raw grief, but now expects us to be there for her when we are needed. Oh, and that's usually only when her 'companion' as she calls him isn't there. The rest of the time we don't get a look in. I know I sound bitter and resentful, and yes, I am, but am also trying to be reasonable and understand how she must be feeling. It is difficult, but I'm trying to cope with it from day to day and not plan on how I am going to react. 

You're right, nothing about this whole situation is easy. My mum keeps telling me that it's ok for us we've all got our partners to lean on, but I have tried explaining to her, that while she is right to a certain extent, grief is a lonely, individual journey and you could have 1,000 people around you all the time, but still feel alone.

I hope you and your mum can work through this together. I feel that your mum is being selfish, but, never having been in that position I can't really understand how it feels or comment. 

I wish you all the best for the times ahead.

Christine xx

I lost my father when I was nineteen years old but whilst I loved him to bits, I had established an independant life, wheras my mother had devoted her life to my father and SUDDENLY she had lost everything. Her whole exsistence had revolved around him and suddenly he, and her future, were snatched away. No-one can measure grief... I have loved and lost so many people in my life but no-one has a monopoly of grief.

Best wishes,

KateG