wishes things could be better

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

27 Oct 2011

Never seem to have anything good to write on here, but just feel some times I have to get
some things out so I don’t feel as bad and alone. It’s my nans 80^th
birthday this weekend having a massive family gathering, mums coming well I say
she is coming….. she just seems to be getting ill all the time, I can’t see her
making it if I am honest as she has been in bed ill for the week. Even if she
comes she won’t enjoy it. She doesn’t seem to enjoy anything anymore can’t remember
the last time I saw her smile……all I seen on her face is pain and suffering and
embarrassment! Mums totally incontinent and in no control of it and its ruling
her life! She won’t even come to my flat coz she embarrassed by it all. Even going
out she is very wary. She won’t enjoy it and I am gonna have to sit there and
watch it all L oh my god I really don’t wanna go. Sitting there watchin her
suffer from pain thinking I don’t know if she is gonna be here for the next
family gathering witch doesn’t happen often, thinking about it for some of the
family it might very well be the last time they see her.

I always thought that when something like
cancer hits a family it brings them closer together. To a certain extent it has
but it hasn’t with me. Mum and me have always been very close through out my
life my mum has always been there. My mum and my best friend I never dreamed
this would happen to mum and she is at a young age it doesn’t seem fair! My connection with mum
appears to be getting weaker in my heart and head it will never change. But I just
struggle so much to see mum now. I don’t
feel I can talk to her like I used to, it kills me inside everytime. I don’t want
her to think I love her any less or that I don’t care. I just don’t know what
to do……..

FormerMember over 12 years ago

P.S. You say its your Nans Birthday this weekend when she will be 80 yrs young. Its just that its my 68th Birthday on Saturday 29th. Wish your Nan a Happy Birthday from me.xx Sarsfield.xx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Wow what can I say???

It was not so long ago I was there, granted a different time, place and circumstance. Nothing anyone says will help you through this, mainly because you feel that ok others may have suffered but have they experienced this???? Unfortunately YES. Does that make it easier for you to hear? NO.

I personally feel the loss of dignity for a loved one is the hardest to bear.

All I can say is the memories no matter how harsh they may seem now will be something you treasure later.

Your mum knows you don't love her any less, in fact I can positively say now is when she will be telling people how much she appreciates all you are doing for her. We all take that step back in this situation as how can we cope otherwise??? It isn't because we care any less. Infact for me it was the opposite I cared more. Her discomfort and indignity of the situation, meant I had to be more clinical so we all felt better able to cope without the embarrassment of what at times had to be done.

Go forward with a lighter heart.

Helen xxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Thanks guys, mum made it the the party was realy good to be out with all the family and to spend time with mum, she wasnt very well tho and missed most of the evenin on and off, bless her meal got cold. i have to be honest tho even tho it was so nice to spend time with her and my family, seing her with a little make up, just how i remember her i still felt incredably sad. Seing her in pain but not wanting to give it to the pain. i could see it in her all night. Watching a slide show of all the family picutures of me and mum wen i was younger. It suddinly hit me i would never get to celebrate my mums 80th with her and i must admit i was fighting back the tears. After leaving the hotel this moring i felt so disconected from them after i left and wanted nothing more than to go back. on the other side i jsut broke down in tears from seing her as she was last night unable to enjoy anything. this is why i feel so bad bout seing her coz when i do i struggle so bad and its upsets me so much but at the same time i miss her so much. thanks for all your comments guys, Sarsfield i hope u had a good birthday xxx
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