Last week. [ I apologize ] If I offended anyone I looked at some porn on the advice of a friend. I have not looked since but my weeing has Improved. I'm getting up less during the night and can now go out during the day without fear of wetting myself for at least three hour's. I don't know If It was the porn that helped."after all nothing happened physically" maybe It was the hope I generated within my mind that porn would help. In other word's I had a belief that It would [ I think so I am ] I still get very tired and some day's my leg's ache so much I don't want to get out of bed but I am getting better. I've been working In the charity shop one day a week and It really tire's me out and I feel It the next day. but as I said I am getting better. I have an appointment In October to see my consultant to discuss my last two procedure's and the scan I had last week. I feel optimistic. I feel different. I feel clean. I've lost the fear. It's like I've sat down and had a chat with death and found him quite understanding. we have become friend's. as I said the fear has gone and I feel I can face whatever the future hold's.
I have wandered from what this post was originally about ( my weeing ) but fear Is the greatest obstacle when being treated for any form of cancer. and I was so afraid at the beginning the treatment's I faced terrified me to the point that I was willing to die rather than face It. alone at night my mind went wild. and during the day although with family . . still alone. because I had the cancer and no matter what they said to me . . .It made no difference to the way I felt. I felt doomed. I fought Imaginary battle's with the cancer who took the form of a dragon In my mind. I Imagined hacking at It with my sword stabbing at It with my lance all to no avail . . .It kept getting up! . . .Acceptance Is what I think finally killed It. I started to treat It as a pet and I think that Is when I lost the fear. I would talk to the dragon and ask It question's. of course It could not talk. not even In my mind. I think I bored It to death and It just went away. but I'm not being complacent I know It could return. and If It doe's . . .then I will be ready,
