I have not been here for a few week's been very busy redecorating the living room and passage. It helped to take my mind off of thing's. and It has helped. It was therapy. I feel so much better. no pain. trying to get back Into my yoga Is a little hard but I will get there. I have an appointment on Thursday 19/6. to see the radiologist and two week's after that another to see my oncologist. I'm feeling a little nervous you never know what they are going to say or do. I feel so well. I don't relish the thought of them putting cameras down my penis they are even saying that they want to look Inside my bowel. I don't know If I can allow them to do this. the thought feel's me with terror. I have to go Into hospital In August to have the stent's In my kidney's removed I'm ok with that. why do they have to keep messing about with you when you feel so well. always looking. It's as If they want to find something. Getting away from the subject of this entry I have a cat. she answer's to the name shit head after the cat In the film Alien she also has been a great help to me during the last seven month's. she has made me laugh when I felt I wanted to cry. when I laid on my bed feeling sorry for myself hoping to die In my sleep she has laid with me. she like's to sleep with her head resting In my hand. and I think she like's classical music. when she jump's up onto the bed when I'm laying there reading she look's at the radio until I turn It on. and when I do she lay's down beside me purring.
Everyone I see tell's me how well I look now I've finished my treatment. I hope the cancer has gone. I don't think I could go through It again. I have spoken with people that have had It two or three time's. god how do they or their family's cope. I have Nigerian neighbour's I do odd job's for them. when they heard what I was suffering they were very upset and said they would pray for me. I was touched by this even now writing this It bring's tear's to my eye's. cancer affect's everyone family and friend's. even people you don't know. I remember waiting to have my treatment and seeing the other people also waiting some of them looked so ill. I particularly remember Alison she was In her thirty's they brought her down from a ward for her radiotherapy we caught each other's eye she smiled at me. through all her suffering she smiled at me. I told my wife about her. and I just broke down all those people and poor Alison It became to much. I never realised so many people had this Illness so much suffering. It has changed me having cancer. you can never be the same after. I have a friend who I work with at the charity shop she has had cancer. she said you are never cured. and they never tell you you are cured. they tell you Instead that you are In remission. I also have a heart condition. It's genetic my heart can just stop anytime so I have to have a defibrillator. every time I had radiotherapy they had to turn my defib off...with a magnet and then turn It back on again. after treatment I then had to go to the Cardiologist dept to get It checked. another hour waiting. after my last treatment I did the usual and got my defib checked. the young lady who did all the checking knew all my history with the cancer and knew It was my last day. as she finished she looked Into my eye's and said I'm so pleased for you Mr Selwyn I now what cancer Is like my mother died from It. I had tear's In my eye's when I left her. she had never mentioned It before. but she must have thought of her mother every time she treated me.
