I'm just sitting here waiting for the new carpet to be delivered and as usual when I've nothing to do I start thinking. I remember talking to my radiotherapist. she Is a very down to Earth person. dress'es like a sixty's hippy and has eye's that don't just look at you. but actually see the person. we were just talking about some of the problem's I've been suffering. I was telling her about not being able to sleep because of going to the toilet some time's up to six or seven time's a night. when suddenly she said you have been traumatized mentally bodily and spiritually. this stunned me. could she be right though. I remember the first consultant telling me. "you have bladder cancer" and then he said. "that's life thing's happen" did this traumatize me ? I remember going to Bart's for my first appointment. the consultant told me in his opinion " I should have my bladder removed." at this point my wife again burst Into tear's. he was adamant that this should be done and explained the whole process to me. I would have a bag attached to me for life. and he gave me two week's to think about It. which I did. I read every thing about the procedure I even looked at the hospital on google where It would take place. It filled mine and my wife's mind for the whole two week's. I had resigned myself to having this nine hour operation. did this traumatize me. after two week's I went back and was seen by Ms Patti my chief consultant. I told her I would give my consent for this operation. she looked at me and said. there Is no need for some thing so drastic the previous consultant Is a surgeon she told me and they like to cut people open It's what they do. she then said the tumor would be removed and then we would discuss further treatment "radio therapy" I had built myself up to face this operation only to be told It was not going to happen. did this traumatize me. after the operation to remove the tumor a renal consultant came to my room and said my kidney's were only working at 40% another problem at this point I felt like every thing was falling apart. did this traumatize. the next day Ms Patti came to see me and said so casually that she thought the cancer might have spread to my kidney's. at this point I thought I need to die I can't face this any more. so yes I think my radiologist Is most probably correct....I am traumatized. I have an appointment to see my radiologist on Thursday and I am nervous. I have an appointment to see Ms Patti two week's later and I am nervous. like everyone else who has suffered cancer I think of It every day. It never leave's my mind. I even dream of It. It's like the the person I was before the 16th of January this year has gone and I've taken his place,
