Sleepless nights have been creeping up on me for the last week or so - tonight it seems to have caught me. Sleepless nights frighten me for many reasons, more so now because of the thoughts that fill my mind and allow me time to listen to my body.
Last November I had 4 consecutive nights with no sleep - I was prescribed Lorazapam 1/2 a little blue tablets before bed - oh how they helped me - knocked me out. I also started to see the faith healer who was based in the hospital, she gave me a CD - she talks so soothingly for 15 minutes about meditation and there is 15 mins of realxing music - I listen to this every single night on loop - it lasts 30 minutes - it is now on its 8th loop.
Bedtime routine has been very consistent for months 9pm bed (sometimes 10pm) 1/2 blue tablet THIS IS NOT WORKING ANYMORE as I took a whole one at 1.30 AM, have a look at Macmillan site and then read for some time, lights out, CD on, sleep.
Tonight I have done the same thing as I usually do but having laid there since 10.30 PM with a mind full of thoughts I have given in and decided to write this blog - get my thoughts down - it is supposed to help.
My pychologist has given me techniques to take my mind to good places, good memories, but tonight there is no room for these - I have tried so bloody hard but always end up thinking about things that are all related to cancer, my illness, other peoples illnesses, my treatment - WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT- I know the rational answer but the mind is a powerful machine and sometimes beyond control.
The other thing is I have had the time to listen to my body and somethings I do not like:
Stretched my legs and feet and got a pain in top of feet - frightens me
My stomach is rumbling - know the reason for that - but the noise is certainly not music to my ears
Really hot - menapausal night sweats, laying on hot water bottle - ALWAYS HAVE THIS 365 days a year for the last 15 years - or something more sinister - obviously something more sinister my mind tells me.
Do I have a pain behind my nose? - of course I do, Do I have a pain behind my eye? of course I do
Do I have a pain in the top of my back? - Of course I do
I have all these things because it is the middle of the night - I should be fast asleep I want to be fast asleep - these feelings would not cause that all familier knot of panic in the stomach - luckily it doesn't linger - if this was daytime and I wasn't alone surrounded by darkness and the sure knowledge that I need to sleep.
I have two dogs - my big girl Cleo normally sleeps on a rug at the side of my bed, my little girl Rosie sleeps with me on my bed - it wasnt always like that - but Cleo stayed with my very best friend for 3 months whilst I recovered, Rosie stayed with me and never left my side. She really snores and I envy her although now she is sat looking at me beacuse she knows this is different - WE ARE NOT ASLEEP. Cleo has to stay downstairs at the moment because she has a poorly back left hip and she has to rest so stairs are not an option.
Is this the reason why I cannot sleep - no because Miss Cleo often chooses to stay downstairs.
I have an appointment on Wednesday with Oncologist for latest results of MRI scan and I have every reason to be optimistic - at 3.00 AM I am not and have run all sorts of scenarios in my uncontollable mind.
I am on holiday from work this week and potentially could stay in bed - IF I DO ACTUALLY MANAGE TO SLEEP - but still have my girls to take out - will probably end up doing that and coming back to bed.
I am wide awake still so I intend to read a few chapters of my book, this is not unputterdownable, so maybe I will try extra hard to concentrate and my eyes will shut at some point. I am not going to lay back down but will stay propped up.
No real conclusion from me as to why tonight sleep has avoided me - the one thing I now know is the little blue tablets have stopped working and I do not want to increase the dose - they are not really sleeping tabs.
I am hoping this becomes a lonely post and I sleep every night moving forward.
Watch or rather read this space
I
