Why?

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

4 Dec 2011

I can't get my head around this breast cancer journey at all. Two stage 3 tumours, one lumpectomy, 6 sessions of chemotherapy and 1 month of radiotherapy later and I still don't understand.

Why did I get it in the first place? Why did I survive (or did I? Is it only pretending and it's going to come back?). Why do I feel guilty for having it and for causing so much upset to so many people who love me.

I've cried practically non-stop all weekend. I have a sore head because of the crying. I thought tears were meant to be healing but I don't feel any better. My breast and under-arm are sore because of the radiotherapy but that's not what's upsetting me. It's the lack of euphoria. Why am I not jumping for joy because my treatment's finished? Why did my boyfriend leave me because he couldn't handle the cancer? Why am I surrounded by couples when I try to Christmas shop (the last thing on my mind, I can assure you) and why do I continually remind myself that I have to be brave and that I can do this? Why do I make myself paint my toe nails when I'm still practically bald and feel like the least attractive female in the world? I'm sorry, I just can't see the point.

I've just cried and cried over the 'phone to my poor mum who has listened to me and been there every step of the way (as has my dad). I try to shield my beautiful son (who's away at University) from how I feel but, wow, it's so difficult. I'm going back to work (part-time) on Tuesday of this week and hopefully that will be a positive step. I think I'm going to have to try counselling. Everything inside me rebels against that, saying that I don't need counselling, I'm strong enough, but I have to face the truth. I'm not strong and I need to talk to someone. Someone impartial, but understanding. I know they won't be able to answer all my "whys" but maybe they can help me understand why I feel the way I'm feeling. I wish I could get angry at the cancer again, that was a much easier emotion.

And for anyone who thinks this blog is full of self-pity, yeah, they'd be right. Self-pity, hurt and lots of unanswered questions. I'm not even going to go down the road of "there's always someone worse off than me" because, quite honestly, they walk in their shoes, but these shoes are mine.

Joan

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Esmerelda7, there's nothing wrong with self-pity, you've got every reason to feel it. i think you're right to think about counselling. I have been luck, if you can call it that cos I know a few people who have had cance rand come through it and I can moan to them and they know what I'm on about. Now you've finished your treatment you're most probably suffering the anti climax. All you've been through and this is all there now is. I know I haven't said anything profound, but wanted to say it.

Frannie
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Joan,

You have totally earned the right to be self pitiful (if that's a word!). You have been on a journey that you didn't ask to go on with no set itinerary to the shittiest place on earth. Bought and worn thin the t-shirt........... Then nothing!

I think that the Counselling is a brilliant idea, any help to understand this dreadful disease and it's awful impact on our lives is welcome.

You have taken the rollercoaster, survived the ride and can now step off and start living again. Going back to work is the first step in getting back to normality, I have gone back part time between surgery and chemo and for me it has been a lifeline. Apart from the fact that I am lopsided and boobless I am Me again and function like I have a brain for a few hours a day. I know it is only temporary until the chemo hits but having the routine is great! ( I never thought that I would say that about working!!!!)

Treat yourself with the compassion that you would show others in your situation, give yourself permission to cry for what you have been through, it's a grieving process for what we have lost and where we have been. Each day is a blessing use them wisely and get stronger and stronger.

Amanda xxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi Joan

You wallow away girl - jeez you have more than earned the right to do so.

Christmas is indeed difficult with all the snuggly couple thing going on around you after having such an awful experience but on the plus side, would you really want someone in your life who is so shallow he couldn't be with you through the downs. You are worth so much more than that.

Going back to work will help you back on the path to normality again (if there is such a thing) and I think you would be wise indeed to consider counselling. They can't provide the answers but do have a way of helping you cope with all the strange emotions you are having to deal with.

But more importantly you need to be exceptionally kind to yourself and do your best to spoil yourself at every given opportunity.

Much love and bit squidgy hugs,

Nin xxxx
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