I dont know where to start, but I need to do something to occupy my mind at the moment and after reading so many simuliar stories on this site this is probably the best place for me to start writing. My husband has NSCLC, since Sept he has had to endure months of intestive chemotherapy and radiotheraphy. Its been a long haul, but we have managed to get through it together by being hopeful and optimistic. Following what we have been told to do by the consultant and lung specialist nursesfor the best possible outcome.
But now the first line treatment is complete, the radiotherapy finished 6 weeks ago and now my husband has found 2 new lumps.One in his neck and another in between his ribs. He had a CT scan done a week ago on his head and that did come back clear, so that was a positive. The lung specialist nurse paid us a visit on Christmas eve and was very reasuring saying that the cancer unfortunetly appears to be active but may be treatable and she would be in contact with us after christmas with my hubsand's blood results.
So we are currently in limbo, this weeks has been by far the hardest for me since this all started. While he has been going through the treatments there has been hope that something will work. Ive been continuing to hold down my full time job and keeping my mind busy. But this week, not being at work I have had a lot of spare hours to think about the situation. Secondary cancer is never a good sign, my husband is conviced that this is the begining of the end, last night he said its spreading and I know I only have months left, I'm not ready to go. What do you say to that? All I could come up with was, I know my darlin' but whos to say when the begining of the end is? Nothing is set in stone.
For weeks now he spends most of his time sleeping, barely eating or drinking. On the rare occassions he does manage to eat within a few hours he brings it all up again. I've been told this is normal by the nurse, but it's breaking my heart watching him fade. Part of me wants to believe in hope, believe that this isnt the begining of the end. But honestly, I really dont know what I should be thinking.
We had plans after the radiotherapywas done, we thought he would have a spell of feeling relatively well, we had a trip to Thailand to look forward to, now I cant help feeling that that isnt going to be possible. He can barely find the engery to do the basic things like shower and eat let alone a 13 hour flight to Bangkok.
My head is full of so many conflcting thoughts at the moment. He is still here, and when he's awake for a few brief hours we chat about all the good times we have had over the last 18 years together, I have to remember he's not gone yet, but its like I'm already trying to anticipate the worst.
I need to keep busy but when I think about all of the things that need to be done its overwhelming. I need to sort out all of the practical things like arrange a will, sort out the deeds to the house, shift all of the direct debits from his account and thats just scratching the surface of all the legal things I need to prepare for. He has always been the one who took care of those side of things
I dont know what I'm going to do, I am coping but I feel very alone right now.Is there anyone out there who can offer me some advice?
