I have no idea if this is ok for me to be writing this. I mean, its not me, its my husband who is facing this horrible disease. Its not me. I'm being completely selfish in trying to understand my own feelings so that I can try and help him as much as possible.
There are so many questions and neither of us know how to tap into the whirlwind that is constantly blowing in our minds to be able to vocalise and ask the questions that we need to.
Its been 40 days since my husband was told he had cancer. That in itself was shattering news. He had a phone call to tell him. You have cancer but its not skin cancer like we thought, so you're in the wrong place and we'll refer you.
Its been 20 days since we were told its bile duct cancer that's spread and we can't cure it. Lots more was said that day but I'm not sure that we heard most of what was said. That's when the nightmare really kicked in. So did the tears. Oh we cried with the original diagnosis but this was ....... well, this was more.
How can this be happening?
There must be a mistake?
He's not ill?
He's only 51!
He's relatively fit and healthy!
He has no symptoms other than a lump behind his belly button!
My husband wanted to be told everything. The oncologist was lovely, but didn't hold back. There was lots they didn't know but they did know that it was quite rare as it started in the bile duct and spread. There was lots of liver damage (so many questions there, as my husband rarely drinks, never done drugs etc.) Likely to be looking at 6-12 months although its not an exact science. If he has treatment, we might get two years.
Its hard in that moment to look beyond 6 months. 6 months. 6 MONTHS. That's all I could hear. 6 months with my soul mate. 6 months with the man that I've loved since I was 17. 6 months with the father of my two children.
And this is one of the things that I have a problem with although I have a problem with so many things at the moment . So many of the thoughts that are racing through my mind are so self centred. Most of them contain the words I, me and my. My tears are selfish, as they are for me. The thought of losing this wonderful, pain in the bum man that I am so lucky to have by my side is filling every waking moment.
How do I get passed this bit (there's that word again, I) so that I can stop being a hysterical mess and help my husband. Answers on a postcard would really be appreciated.
I need to do this. This is a time where its ok to say I need to do this, as I need to do it for him.
