Ah! The good old three people walked into a bar joke.......
So before you consider me frivolous, or inconsiderate, on starting with a joke line on a cancer blog, let me elaborate.
When delivering a joke, there are key fundamentals to communicating with your audience:
My diagnosis of UTUC was finally communicated to me just 2 weeks ago, and I am now at the stage of communicating the news to a select audience. In my case I want to tell as few people as possible. That is a personal choice, and others will have their own approach on having a smaller or larger network. Of course delivering the bad news is no joke (bad pun), but I consider the key fundamentals of delivery are the same as above.
Assess your audience:
How many people do you want to tell? (remember that the more people that know, the more time you will spend with repeated updates, but some people will prefer a wider support network).
Choose and prioritise those you want to tell
Anticipate how your selected audience may take the news and react to it.
Delivery:
Depending on the assessment of your audience, choose how you want to deliver the news. Maybe it will be in a matter of fact way, or a softly arm around the shoulder approach. Will you speak to people one to one, or collectively?
Will you mention all of the details, or just summarise the key facts? (Again, assess your audience).
Timing:
You may want to come to terms with the news yourself first before telling others. I think it is good if you have considered your thoughts beforehand, it makes the delivery of the news easier and clearer.
Again, consider your audience - the timing of breaking bad news may not be appropriate if they are dealing with their own personal issues.
Gauge the reaction:
Did your message come across well?
Did you alleviate their concerns?
Did you get the reaction you hoped for?
Now I am not a communications or mental health expert, and others will be able to refine my points above much more eloquently and with much more detail, but so far this approach has worked for me......and this blog is about sharing my experiences - I don't want to come across as an encyclopedia.
So back to "My wife, My brother and a doctor!"
As mentioned, I have chosen to keep my audience very small.
My brother is the rock of the group and the key support. He is the sounding block. He is just a year younger, and as kids we did everything together, as both brothers and rivals, and of course at times we knocked seven bells out of each other. But we are very close!
As I mentioned in my previous post about emotions, when we speak about my cancer, it is very pragmatic. It is not emotional, but equally not lacking any care. He wants me to update him after every medical appointment and we diagnose the findings, discuss them openly and plan for the consequences. Taking the emotion out of the conversations means it is much easier to approach any issue.
My wife is the emotive one!
The difficult one - not that she is difficult, but the use of the 4 points above are difficult to put into practice. Of course I have told her everything in detail, but it has been tricky to approach. We have fundamental characteristics in common, naturally, but are polar opposites on other points (opposites attract). As an accountant, I am a planner and will consider all future possibilities whereas my wife very much lives in the immediate here and now. I envy her ability to just live in the present and not worry about the future, but it can be frustrating in equal measure. She is also a worrier, but one of those people that takes a long time to digest and come to terms with bad news. She passes through various stages (almost like grief) of initial denial, then a form of acceptance, then considering the consequences and finally there will be the emotional release. This can take days or even weeks. During this process, she needs a lot of reassurance, and I will get the questions like "are you telling me everything?", to the other night when she said "don't leave me on my own". All I can do is offer reassurances and keep her up to date, and be patient while she finds her way through her stages of coping with such issues. As someone who lost four siblings before the age of 13 and her father at a young age (though suicide, which she only disclosed to me this year), she has an innate fear of losing people close to her.
The doctor.
I have had varied communication experiences with doctors in the last 3 months. Firstly, with my GP, it was a very open exchange of possibilities, with a very open and honest two way interaction. Some of the doctors have been very guarded on disclosing any information, while others have been very upfront and shared the full details and consequences.
My advice here is to do your homework before every visit. Google everything and do your research. This will enable you to get the maximum out of every visit by ensuring you understand any medical terms that are used in the course of your appointment and make you aware of the possible outcomes. Also prepare and bring your list of questions. As mentioned, some doctors have not been forthcoming, and I have found it invaluable to have my discussion points listed in advance, and I am never afraid about taking out my checklist. Indeed some doctors will find it reassuring that they have covered off all of your concerns.
My bestie. OK, just 3 people walked into the bar. Typical of my bestie, he was already in the bar waiting for me with a pint of Peroni on the table. (£7.80 for a pint in Greenwich now - can you believe it!)
Anyway, broaching the topic of cancer has been a difficult deviation from the usual topics of rugby and politics. I have been open with him and kept him abreast of the developments in my journey so far, but am still at point 4 above, trying to gauge his reaction.
Anyway, this will be a long journey, but let's hope we will all be laughing at the end!
