I lived just by the London marathon route and, due to the road closures, there were only two choices for the day of the marathon - stay in, or go down to cheer the runners armed with bags of jelly babies. On one particular year while I was on the roadside and cheering on the runners, encouraging them by calling the names on their t-shirts, there was one runner called James who was walking. There were calls of "C'mon James" when a big booming voice that sounded just like Sean Bean growled "Go get it done lad!!". I can assure you, if you had heard it, you would have started running like Usain Bolt. Anytime I need motivation, that "Go get it done Lad" voice is etched in my mind.
So I know people feel their world may have collapsed when they get a diagnosis, but oddly that wasn't me. I will probably write another post about my diagnosis, but for now, in describing my emotions, the initial response was a relief in finally having a diagnosis after months of various tests without any feedback, relief that finally a decision had been made and a bold determination that I would "Go get it done lad!" I was just discussing the diagnosis with doctors very matter of fact and calmly. This has only been in the last couple of weeks, so maybe there will be a delayed reaction, but I feel it is unlikely. I spoke to my brother about it, saying it was odd that I didn't feel any shock or anxiety, just a pragmatic approach of this is what nature has given me, it can't be changed, and I just need to get on and deal with it. My brother just said it is how we were brought up - don't dwell on things, just deal with them. I also remember my mother having breast cancer and having the same mentality. At the moment it looks as though my cancer has been diagnosed early, so I remain positive, but I am sure there will be doubts and lows on this long journey.
One other emotion I want to mention is loneliness. Regardless of speaking to close people about my diagnosis, it can still feel a lonely place at times. This is especially so in the waiting times between appointments, or the long waits for the outcomes of numerous tests. Invariably your mind can be wandering or second guessing in these vacuum periods and it can feel lonely at those times. Thankfully I do have some close confidants and feel supported, but I am fundamentally aware that this is my body, my illness and my battle. Despite the encouragement, it is only me who can do all of the blood tests, the surgeries, the scans.
I think I will end this posting at this point, but no doubt I will return to my emotions, and how they change, in the course of this journey.
