I really didn’t expect to be writing another post so soon but I am so emotional right now and thought I’d better write it down and try and pack it away.
Its consultation day today but my appointment isn’t until 15:45 so quite a long wait. I didn’t sleep well last night. It was so hot and my mind just wouldn’t stop going round in circles.
I was getting so angry with myself. Other than the fact I know I have cancer, I know nothing else. I can’t begin to imagine what the consultant is going to say or whether I’ll understand any of it anyway. I can’t even picture in my head what it will be like to walk in his office or whether I’ll have stopped crying long enough to hear what he says.
My daughter came over early this morning with the girls to help with the shopping delivery and provide a distraction. It worked, for a while. We dropped off my Mums shopping and stayed there for a while.
For no reason whatsoever, in the car on the way home, I just started crying. I tried so hard not to. I didn’t want to upset my daughter or the girls. Now I’ve started crying I just can’t stop.
I just wanted to be on my own so Jen has taken the girls home and will be back this afternoon to come to the appointment with me.
it breaks my heart that I’ve upset her. She’s been my rock these past few weeks and she certainly has her hands full with 2 young girls an no sleep. She’s also supposed to be making plans to return to work from maternity leave but I’ve turned that all upside down.
I am just so so scared right now. Most of the time it’s seemed surreal, like it’s happening to someone else. But I know that after that meeting today, my life will never be the same again.
Right now I have no pain, no sign that anything is wrong with me. I’m sure that’s going to change with whatever treatment is planned for me. I’m trying to be positive and know that whatever the plan is, it’s hopefully going to lead back to health. But that doesn’t stop me being scared.
Really scared and really, really emotional right now. Hopefully I’ll feel better for Part 2 of Consultation day.
