This is a MINEFIELD for me in a state of full health let alone with cancer but I feel it is something worth talking about. Even if it just allows people to point out my flawed logic!!
As a single 38 year old, I really don’t embrace the prospect of fighting this disease on my own. I’ve always prided myself on being independent, not needing anyone - and thank goodness I am really, given my disappointing relationship history!
My first relationship lasted about 12 years - I thought it was the real deal. We had done everything the correct way and it was approaching the checkbox in my timeline of “having a baby”. I was truly living in a bubble and it burst with a loud bang, letting the cold air of reality rush in and smack the breath out of me. I was 30 and horrified that I was now divorced and childless. All I can say is that I love my best friend more than anything for picking up the little pieces and sticking them all back together - the result was never going to be exactly the same as the original but I’ve acquired some cool, quirky alterations thanks to her!
A change was in order! I decided not to take life so seriously and live in the moment more - if it made me happy I would do it! I think these years were some of the happiest of my life…31 to 34…yippee, enjoy them ladies!! It was at this point that I met ‘C’ and was completely smitten. (Yes, those are alarm bells you hear ringing…) Well, true to my “living in the moment attitude”, within 3 months we had decided to have a baby. Instead of taking a year like I thought it would, I fell pregnant within a couple of months and had my gorgeous little boy ‘Q’ after quitting my job and moving counties. He alone makes the relationship worth every minute.
We split up when Q was a year old. It made my previous break up feel like a walk in the park. It wasn’t my choice, I felt completely out of control of my life and I felt this terrible disappointment - with C and with myself. So now I was now a divorced, single mother, whose ex-husband wasn’t even the father of the child!
But, it’s ok! I am independent and don’t need anyone remember?! Q was my priority in life. I threw myself into my job because Q was never going to want for anything if I could help it. At the same time I was trying to be “Supermum”.
This transitional period has been very rocky for me with numerous melt downs, an appearance by a bitter, angry side of me that I hardly recognise…in my dark moments, I wonder whether all this triggered the cancer - I put myself under a massive amount of pressure and was very stressed for over a year.
But I was finally starting to come out the other side (or it felt that way). I had even registered myself on eHarmony and had started chatting to a few guys!
And then this bombshell! CANCER! What?!
So now what?!
Obviously, there isn’t much time to think about relationships to start with.
There is the whirlwind of the initial discovery, tests, scans, appointments. Facing the prospect of being infertile (menopausal) afterwards (scream, my life is over at 38)…but (breathe) I have Q. I have no partner, so seems a bit silly to worry so much about this but I wanted to make sure I tried everything because who knows what is round the corner. The last thing I want is more regrets. As it turned out, I didn’t have enough time (or money if I’m honest) to do egg preservation so have opted for Zoladex (chemically induced menopause to protect my ovaries as much as possible) and a positive perspective from my oncologist. What will be, will be.
Then the frightening unknown of chemo takes up all your brain capacity…
C was really great during the initial discovery phase. He spoke a lot about “we” which really made me feel I wasn’t alone. I was so grateful to him for being there for me - Ms Independent / Don’t Need Anyone suddenly didn’t seem such a smart idea. But, it’s also never a good idea to rely on an ex (it’s not fair on either of you). I can never expect him to be there for me 100%. He is seeing other people, I am not the centre of his world, he will always let me down in some way through no fault of his own. I’ve purposely stopped using him as my support now except when it comes to matters concerning Q. I cannot fault him when it comes to being a father and Q is very lucky to have him.
So, I do feel pretty alone now. It’s not actually true as my mum and my best friend, as well as some other amazing ladies (it's true when they say you find out who your true friends are) are there for me through thick and thin, but there is a difference. Someone once said to me, “One day you will find someone who loves the bones of you”. It’s always stuck with me and wouldn’t it be amazing to find that someone?
I’m still on eHarmony. I’ve started chatting to "John" (not his real name) who seems just my cup of tea. So what do I do now? I feel like I’m being dishonest by not alerting him to the fact I have cancer in my first message! How on earth does one break the news? When is it appropriate to tell someone?
I’ve tried to imagine being on the receiving end of this news. How would I react? If I felt a connection, would hearing this news put me off?
But it’s so nice to talk to someone without them having this knowledge about me and it clouding every conversation - I don’t want to ruin it!
What if he wants to meet up?! I still have my hair but it has thinned a lot and is still escaping at every opportunity. Not sure if I look more haggard now after going through this…do my pictures still look like me??!!
Should I just stop in order to be fair on everyone (including myself) until after the bulk of the treatment is over?
I know the “correct” answer is that, if he is a decent bloke, the fact I have cancer shouldn't change his romantic views on me - but, come on guys, what are the chances of that happening?!
I just seem to have questions, no answers.
So, what am I going to do? I’m making the decision now. Well, I’ll keep chatting to John and don’t think I’ll mention the C word just yet. Let’s say that if we get past a first date and both want to see each other again, that is when I will suck it up and break the news. Does that sound fair? Thoughts, advice, any comments are welcome!
Now, to all you lucky people with a partner by your side, take a moment to appreciate having them (with all their annoying habits!) - it is so much easier when it is a “we”.
And to all of you in my position, I hope you find someone to love the bones of you!…..And, if not, that you have fabulous friends and a mum like mine.
