Not feeling myself today… tired but fidgety, my normal sunshine mind filtered by gloomy clouds, allowing only a few rays through. It reflects the internal struggle going on…my positive energy has a fierce competitor at the moment - lazy, can’t be bothered, self pity.
To be fair to myself, I haven’t had the best of news this week - my tumour does not seem to be responding to the EC90 chemotherapy. So I’m now scheduled for another breast MRI and CT scan on Monday and in all likelihood we will move onto the next phase of treatment early. As my oncologist said, we will get the BIG GUNS out!
I imagine Samuel L Jackson in Jackie Brown saying, “AK-47, the very best there is. When you absolutely, positively, got to kill every MF in the room….accept no substitutes.”
My AK-47 is Paclitaxel, Herceptin and Pertuzumab. I’ll be having chemo weekly on a Thursday and Friday so it is pretty intensive. Confirmation on Wednesday at my next oncology appointment.
It makes me nervous…anyone who’s read my previous blogs knows I like a plan. We are now deviating from the plan, aarrggghhh!! I’ve just got my head around EC90 and can cope with it. Who knows how I’m going to deal with these other drugs. Will I be able to function? Look after my little boy?
And, even more scary, what happens if the AK-47 doesn’t work???? Weren’t we really positive about the EC90? And, yet, here we are two cycles later with nothing to show for it.
My oncologist has been very reassuring and outwardly I’m fine, but those black clouds blow in every now and then.
Practising mindfulness has been very helpful when this happens - I watch the clouds drift across my mind’s sky, try not to get sucked into the gusts of other little negative thoughts attracted in from the sidelines, ready to turn things into a hurricane. Wait for the sunshine to break through again because I know it will.
One little ray of sunshine at the moment is turmeric. Yes, turmeric! Has anyone read up on this? I’ve read a bit and it seems it is a fabulous spice. It contains curcumin and there are proven benefits of this compound:
If you want to read more about it, here is the article I read:
https://authoritynutrition.com/top-10-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-turmeric/
I love finding out things like this! There is only a small amount of curcumin in turmeric so I am getting myself a supplement which also contains bioperine (black pepper which helps absorption). Figure it can’t do any harm surely?
The other ray of sunshine is…..drumroll please…..I have a date tonight!!! Haven’t been on a date in over 4 years so all a bit scary! My hair is still hanging on in there (thank you cold cap!!) although it has thinned a lot. Just hope I still look like my pics as chemo and stress probably don’t do much for the complexion!
Nor does the constant snacking do anything good for my waistline (thank you steroids)….. I’ve been a good girl though, sticking to my walking every day for at least 30 minutes or going for a jog for at least 15 minutes (I am allowed to build credit but am not allowed to go into deficit!)…
The meditation is going well too. I tend to practise the kindness meditation…
”May you be safe and free from suffering. May you be as happy and healthy as it is possible for you to be. May you have ease of being”. Think these thoughts as you bring each of the following people to mind in turn:
- yourself
- someone you love
- a stranger (someone you recognise or see every day but don’t know)
- someone you are finding difficult at the moment
- all living beings
The more I meditate, the more I notice love coming into my life - it’s probably already there but I notice it more…
I’m glad I wrote this. It’s made me think more about the positives - I hope it has helped you too! Those black clouds are not so thick and ominous anymore. X
“If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely” ~ Roald Dahl
