Have stupidly left this to after I started round 2 so need to put myself back into “Recovery Zone” mode…where I was very positive and happily thinking, “This isn’t so bad, I’m one of the lucky ones, if it’s like this the whole way through I will be fine!”
Perhaps it is like giving birth where you seem to forget about how traumatic it all is fairly quickly!
But actually, thinking back, round 1 really wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. And I do think I am one of the luckier ones as far as side effects go.
The night of treatment was the worst - I struggled with nausea and was eventually sick at about midnight. However, once this had happened, I slept like a log and felt much better the next morning. It was coming up to my son’s 3rd birthday so family were descending and we had an evening excursion planned……I felt fine, yippee! We had a lovely evening, a busy day the next day and then things quietened down.
I’ve always been very independent but I’m really grateful for having everyone around these first few days - my best friend especially - just to keep me busy.
*Pearl of Wisdom* Keeping active and having some small tasks to do each day helps to take the focus away from every little niggle you feel. Sometimes it is just “normal” tiredness, not the chemo, and if you go out for a walk you will feel much better!
None of my side effects have been particularly debilitating - feeling tight chested, tired, sensitivity to smells and feeling vaguely nauseous have been the most common. It doesn’t feel dissimilar to the first trimester of pregnancy, albeit without the excitement…sigh.
*Pearl of Wisdom* The nausea seems to be worse on an empty stomach so good idea to have some healthy snacks ready for the first week.
The most uncomfortable side effects I had were related to the post chemo injection to stimulate my bone marrow. This made my lower back and chest bone ache - to the extent that it would wake me up at night. Also I did suffer from upper body skin sensitivity where I felt bruised all over - I do wonder whether this is related to the shingles as doesn’t seem a common side effect. Anyway, all completely manageable with paracetamol and only lasted a couple of days.
Pretty soon (after about Day 5) I was feeling well enough to go for longer walks, attend yoga classes, do some gardening and get out to do Christmas shopping (first time I have ever been so organised!).
By day 10 I managed to go for a slow jog and in the last week, felt almost completely myself again. I even went to our company Christmas Do and was complimented on how well I looked (although that does seem to be the general thing to say to someone who has cancer in my short experience!).
I was actually starting to become quite smug about my lack of side effects… I even had all of my hair still and it didn’t seem to show any signs of going anywhere. Perhaps I could breeze through this on a pillow of positivity…my mind really was more powerful than my body!
On the other hand, I couldn’t detect any noticeable reduction in the size of the lump. Was there a correlation between side effects and treatment effectiveness??!!
And then it started…Day 18…my hair started making a bid for freedom. It didn’t come out in big clumps, it was more just a lot of hair left behind in the hairbrush and a lot more coming out in the shower. I expected to see bald patches but really couldn’t notice an awful lot of difference in my appearance. Time will tell I guess and I wonder how long it will hang on for…
The last few days before round 2, I tried to make the best of feeling well - Christmas tree up and decorated, walks, playing with my son, heart to heart with my ex (don’t get me started on the emotional impact of not having a partner / having an ex who is there for you, but not completely etc etc!! That is a whole separate kettle of fish that I may write about if I feel up to it at some point!).
The day before round 2 I had my blood tests and oncology follow up. At the blood tests, I took the opportunity to ask about my hair and the nurse surprised me by saying that the cold cap was definitely working or I would have lost the majority of my hair by now! She even said my hair was looking good which cemented my resolve to repeat the cold cap despite the additional time it adds to treatment. Watch this space...
Blood tests came back fine, with the exception that I have anaemia again. Chemo was going to go ahead regardless. More of a concern is the fact that the lump has not had the desired panic retreat that we had hoped for…although I am reassured that there is no correlation between severity of side effects and effectiveness of treatment. It is early days still but my oncologist has brought my next appointment forward to the 4th of January to recheck and potentially reconsider the treatment plan.
This is something I am beginning to realise with cancer - you need to accept that things may change. I struggle with this as am one of those people who likes to know the plan, plan for the plan and safely navigate through the plan (aka Control Freak)! And now there’s a question hanging over the plan…aaarrrgggghhh!!! Breathe…
I also understand why it becomes so difficult to do your job effectively when you are having treatment - I felt guilty about not working at first. But now I realise how unreliable I have become and how unfair it would be on my colleagues to have me supposedly doing my job. More on this topic another time too!
For now, it is time for acceptance. Acceptance that I have to go through the cycle again, acceptance that my life is different now, acceptance that I am not in control anymore, acceptance that no-one is indispensable no matter how good you are at your job!
I’m not religious in the slightest but somehow this feels appropriate…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
